On the eve of accepting a new insurance plan and figuring out if I can afford the monthly premium, I discovered that I missed 3 months of balancing my bank statements. I had to leave my former bank due to the bankruptcy and in doing so, I closed out that account before I could copy out the bank statements. So, having to try to piece the history together by copying out what I sent to my bankruptcy attorney.

I sat looking at the Quicken file on my computer and stared at it in fright. I have no memory of entering all that data over the past three months. It's mostly correct, but I have no memory how I did that. And piecing together the bank statements took all day and I'm flying by the seat of my pants not quite sure if I have all that data input correctly to give me any idea at all what my current balance really is. I did catch alot of mistakes, but not sure if they are true mistakes by duplication or not. I ordered my statements today but won't get them for another 2 weeks. I won't get paid for another 4 weeks, so any mistake I made will cost me. I will have to reconcile Quicken for another 2 weeks, yikes !!!

I can't figure out what happened to my mind those last 3 months and why I can't remember doing a simple chore of putting my expenses in my Quicken file. I did tell my psych doc that I know I have been doing alot of dissociating lately. I find myself sitting in my recliner and all of a sudden 4 hours or more disappear and I have no idea what happened to those 4 + hours. I did go to a trauma inpatient hospital years ago that specialized in dissociation disorders and they dx'ed me as DDNOS and my former psych doc always believed I dissociate a good part of the day. I also have Absonse Seizures, but those only happen a very short time, not a good chunk of the day.

I have been practicing Mindfulness and doing more Meditation lately and keeping my apartment straight and everything put back in it's place, however, I do loose an awful lot of things though out the week that I never find again. And more trauma memories are coming out in my dreams lately, so sleep is an enemy right now. Last night I kept waking up feeling the presence of someone near me, but there really was no one there at all and my cat didn't run and hide, so that was evidence I was probably in a dissociated state right before sleep.

Will try to get myself to the community mental health center next week as I have no other plans. However, it's a 50 mile trip one way to be accessed and I will have to sit in the general population for hours and then it can take up to 4 hours for an assessment. I'm just not sure I can do that.

Monday, I should have confirmation about whether or not I genuinely have full Medicaid and Extra Help and that should enable me to make more informed decisions about whom to seek therapy from. I may not have to go to that community mental health center, will see.

It's getting dark now and I can feel my energy level going way up, like it does most evenings. Trying Melatonin now and will see if that helps.

Take care everyone !! Have a great evening.

(( hugs ))

Blue