Feeling very sad for myself this evening.

Watched groups of ladies gathering in the courtyard, all chatting and seeming to have fun. It was a community gathering that I did not go but could see from my window. I felt the deep pangs of loneliness and longing to be part of something.

I got myself involved with those ladies again (M), (C) and (MC) last week. MC pleaded on my heartstring that her kitty had no one to be with him when she went out of town last week, so eventually I agreed. During that time with the kitty, **

When they all came home, MC did nothing to thank me to taking care of her cat. They did invite me up to one of their dinners though and I went. Still trying to look at CM who has not seen her psych doc and is not getting the kind of help I wanted her to have, therefore feeling she is still unsafe.

C has since gone into surgery and will have a long stay in rehab thereby removing herself from MC. The last time MC was separated from C she became s/e. I know that M and MC have been away from home every day, all day long, since C's surgery, so hoping that means that M is keeping a close eye on her, I hope so.

Anyway, MC offered to take me to a quilt show today, but never called and it's closed now and today was the last day. I did feel a twinge of hurt feelings, but having to remind myself I am no longer a part of their group anymore. After trying to reconcile my feelings, I realized that I may be subject to their calling upon me to "use" me to take care of their cats again. I know MC has a pet sitter and has used her alot over the years and why she is picking on me to sit for her cat is not making sense, other than I did not charge any $$. Hoping I have the strength of character to tell her no more. I know she comes and asks at the last possible moment (the day before she leaves and claims there is no one else to take care of her cat). I want to tell her and M now so they can prepare themselves. When I told C that I would not take care of M's cat, she whined and complained afterwords about how much work that was and that was just one cat.

My broken brain is having difficulty reconciling all this, being pulled in and suddenly shoved away. It seems a familiar scenario with the last two groups of friends I had here. I keep telling myself it's normal to want to be part of a pack, but not so normal to be abused while in the pack.

I keep trying to figure out how to let them know in advance. I know I should not care, but I do.

Blue