Alcohol has destroyed me.

The worse thing is that I had plenty of warnings, which I ignored. This makes me hate myself even more right now.

I began abusing alcohol about 5-years ago.

I was also pulled up on it rather quickly from my wife.

This lead to doctors visits, and multiple 21-day rehabs with various lengths of sobriety.

I lost more and more each relapse until I had lost everything including my wife, friends, job, possessions, family, my health, and my sanity.

I'm now in a 9-month public rehab completely broken and hating life. I can't believe I've lost everything.

I also don't fit in with the people here.

Not trying to sound better than anyone, but most people here are both ice addicts and have come here from jail.

So the "jail talk" shocks me. So does the drug talk.

I feel completely hopeless and that my life is over. I can't stop thinking of what I've lost and I have no idea how I'll ever get over it.

The biggest thing giving me crippling anxiety at the moment is my health anxiety, and it's what lead me here.

The worst part is, that since I have health anxiety I don't know if I'm thinking the worst, making myself feel symptoms I don't have, or I really do have alcoholic neuropathy.

Anyway, after spending a week in hospital about 3-months ago for suicidal thoughts, along with alcohol and Valium abuse I left and continued to drink 10 schooners of beer a day for about ten weeks.

(But I did manage to taper off Valium completely in those weeks.)

During those weeks I started to get pins and needles in my hands, and sometimes my feet overnight.

My hands were also blotchy and red.

Instead of quitting, the only way I knew how to deal with it was to continue drinking, which I did until I checked in to a detox in hospital for a week before coming here.

Funny thing was, after a week in hospital I was feeling amazing and had no pins and needles! Yet that soon changed when I was an anxious mess as soon I started the rehab.

I wanted to run away.

Anyway, I've been here almost four weeks, and in that time my left elbow began hurting, and that numbness, pins and needles, plus burning returned worse than ever to my left hand.

Since it was only in one arm, and on the arm I broke my elbow as a kid which then required further surgery later in life, I guessed that I was using my bad arm more (as there's a lot of cleaning and kitchen duties here) and it was just some overuse issue.

But as it continued I then convinced myself I have alcoholic neuropathy.

I then further convinced myself I wasn't walking properly. Even though I was walking up 4 floors of stairs multiple times a day previously.

So, I feel I need to get properly tested so my mind doesn't keep destroying me.

As really, I don't know if this is alcoholic neuropathy, anxiety, Valium withdraws, or some sort of injury in my elbow.

I'm really hoping tests will be able to diagnose me.

As I'm going insane.

Thanks for reading and would love your thoughts. As my brain is not working. x