speaking of journal, I'm really going to use this right now...but just quickly, I have been eating carrots and hummus and almond butter on toast lately. running out tho!
I also worry about infections, might even get them from time to time, but they always heal, so I'm not too concerned with seeing a doctor at this point...I mean in addition to the regular appointment coming up where I will be discussing my issues (if i don't chicken out)

ok. today's update

Ok, so I'm not doing a very good job today of staying offline. If I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. But I did start in a new direction (will touch on that in a sec) and I at least got outside for 10-15 minutes in this gorgeous spring weather. *snuggles

But that brings me back to the whole point of why I'm seeking insight into myself. These good feelings may not be extreme enough, it's too soon to tell. However, it brings me back to the incidents that made me consider hypomania in the first place.
The feelings I experienced in 2016 and the behaviors I made whilst feeling this "on top of the world" feeling are being remembered today. and subsequently, that all started in spring too. It was a pleasant experience of community with this particular group and I was feeling some real camaraderie and closeness with a special few. I call them my "favorite person/s". I thought they were experiencing the same bliss, if you will, that I was experiencing with the relationship. I was blind to any possible clues that that was not the case. I still don't know if it was ignorance on my part or if it could have been the mood induced haze...perhaps it was a bit of both. But I was flyin! ...until I finally got the first true sign of pushback. Then I became defensive, aggressive and irritated as well as confused. I recklessly acted stupidly because of this anxiety and things just spiraled from there...there was some peace for a little while, but ultimately it all ended leaving me in the one of the worst depressive states of my existence.

And that "new direction" I had mentioned earlier...well, I'm making actions to get back into this writing program again. I'm already spread thin, but I'm feeling this creative bug again that I haven't felt in 2 years! I was reasoning that I'd do this to get me away from so much screentime (ironically, I type so much better than physically writing with pen and paper, but I'll try the pen and paper thing too)...but I'm worried that it will just give me an additional place to spend more hours online when I'm trying to cut back!...I dunno. But to me, this is what I would consider my "hypomania"....perhaps it's not true hypomania, but maybe it is! I neglect other things, important things, because I'm lost in these "hobbies"! I guess it just depends how much this happens...so I'm going to be tracking this now, likely here, with what concerns me....

today I'm in a hyper good mood, restless and unable to be there for others because I'm stuck in my world...it truly concerns me.

Thanks for reading!