@Mari can you explain the alerts part better? Or perhaps after reading what I've prepared for today's post, you might see things differently...or maybe not. I dunno. I'm getting very sleepy now.

I largely apologize for the length ahead of time. I started revising and then went off on another tangent anyways. Still, I would really appreciate it if you could take the time to read this one. Thanks!

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@Bizi , I should probably set a time to be offline at nighttime too, but we'll, here I am at 1am (well, now it's 1:30am as I edit this). :/

And Bizi, that's a really good question. Took some thinking for awhile and I still don't remember it all or how I was feeling or anything then. That will require more brainstorming. Hopefully that won't keep me awake all night!

Anyway, so it was about 5 or 6 years ago before I started foruming. Here's what i remember
Cooking and baking

Scarves-watching YTube styling videos and taking pictures and playing dress up with my new dresses from mother-in-law

Knitting and crocheting

Getting to know my in-laws via FB, Skype and Whatsapp.

Pilates, yoga, and all sorts of fitness workouts via these 10minute workout dvds. Also walking or maybe even jogging on the treadmill. That's when I started really getting into this band though from listening qhile walking...and soon after that is when i first ventured into online forums specifically for this band, but that's not the question.

Problem is, with the exception of walking and the crochet (which I started back up a few weeks ago, but might also have to quit again), those other things just aren't really a part of my life now all for different reasons. I won't bore you with that.

So, I have a new life now. I can't go back!...i wish I could remember how I was feeling back then. Maybe I was ...well, I was content, but not happy. I've had ups and downs over the past few years, but I feel like the ups make it worth it?? (I'm relatively up as I say this, but oddly, I'm still down thinking of what my life has become from being sick physically. Ahhh!!! I'm remembering more! However, this was a little bit earlier. This was like a decade ago now when I started getting the symptoms of my physical illness. It was so bad, I was having suicidal thoughts (ideation, not plans). I was being a burden and I just thought others would be better off without me, plus I was in pain. But I still had faith deep down and I lucked out and got some help. Fast forward to like 7 years ago, we moved again into a house this time. That was about the time when I was put on my first mental health drug (for lack of better words) Xanax. It felt so good! But I felt guilty because I felt so high...you know, like smoking a cigarette high. I did not think that was right. So I didn't even take any more after that first time. But I still held on to that good feeling. But I also had incredible anxiety with meeting my in-laws for the first time and chatting on Skype with them. Talking to my own family made me nervous, phone calls made me nervous, Skype was a whole new monster with video. Omg! Hubby kinda coached me through all that, but at the same time, he thought m fears were ridiculous and he was like, you just have to do this. He would get angry if I didn't and shame me. He really just has no idea how this feels apparently...or he does, but he has so much determination that he overcomes every challenge. I was alone. I was needing support! I did start getting more comfortable with a few of his cousins, but still not to the point where I felt i could talk about things. It was a whole new way of life for me you could say! And I felt alone and awkward and shy and because I'm really an extrovert, well this circumstance i found myself in wasn't a good thing.

Omg! I am doing it again! Rambling on...i just feel folks need to know some things about me, or maybe I'm just fully confiding as this is a forum that could potentially meet my physical needs as well as my mental ones. I did find an old thread about my condition, but sadly those folks don't seem to be around anymore and that was years ago...and I'm still shy about sharing my issue. :/ At any rate, it's now 2am so I really need to go. I'm kinda depressed thinking about all those things I used to do and can't do anymore. Well, I mean, that's my life. I've taken to the forums and now apparently journaling to cope.

Hugs everyone! Signing off now.