by the time i actually get here to the PC, I'm too exhausted to remember what i wanted to say. ugh! (just write out another response...ok, I'm back! :P )

Soo...well I did read the comments here this morning, but unfortunately I didn't have time to implement them. Things move fast here. After I read the messages, I just sat in my bed and started crying. i usually don't do this when hubby's home, but he's not going anywhere soon so I just went for it. I actually cried tears. That was the good part. Then, what I thought could be another good part was hubby asking me what's wrong in a gentle tone and worried that i was struggling to sleep because he kept me up all night with his tossing and turning (which he did), but I just couldn't respond. I was too angry and didn't want to get in a fight while I was too tired to think straight and so emotional...but of course he pressed. When I still didn't answer is when his tone changed and he said "are you just going to ruin my weekend then?". What an ***! So I finally said "I'm angry at you, but i don't wanna talk about it while I'm all emotional". He pressed with something else and I felt I needed to be a little more clear so he knew what exactly I was mad about (oh, i think he thought i was mad about something else). So I told him it was about the internet thing. He basically turned it around on me and brought up the other day when I burnt food whilst on the computer. I said "that's just one little tiny blip!" (and tried to get out that he does this criticism all the time). "and it was not the internet distracting me, it was my eating chicken". I should apologize for the mistake of trying to cook while I was eating and resting...but he's so damn arrogant ...and it's again, turning the table of fault on me, when this issue is him! Oh, and he had the audacity to say that the issue of the internet addiction was my issue. Like, why am I mad at him if I have the problem with control. omfg! ...i can't...i mean, is there anything else relevant to this story??? fact is, it's just upsetting me more talking about it. I was originally going to simply post that there are so many things I could say (like this f'n casserole I now have to make, because he couldn't read the f'n label on the can and blamed me for placing it next to the tomato soup. omfg! where the hell else am I supposed to put a can...cans all go together, right? use your damn eyes and stop f'n blaming me for YOUR mistakes...and then causing me extra work/stress and...and on and on and on).

I hear you guys and I appreciate you trying to help, and I'd be willing to try some things, but my history of trying things hasn't really been good because he's just so damn stubborn! Sad fact is, this is a better living environment that when I was living with my Dad (although they are getting more and more similiar),...but I have no skills or experience...I couldn't live on my own if I wanted to! And I don't want to. We do have our good times...the worst part is the romantic life. He gets me so emotionally upset that I can't get into the mood when we actually have the time to be intimate. So here I am left frustrated in another regard...and of course it's always my fault. "YOUR moods! YOUR periods! YOUR stomachaches". Does he EVER take responsibility for his part? He claims he does and that he admits when he's wrong. There have been a few times I've seen this, but it's very far and few between.

I was going to try to take an internet break today and tomorrow, but clearly I need someone to hear me right now. I'm so bleh! But I have cut back. I'm thinking of not going on another forum today (of course I feel guilty about not talking to someone there who's kinda desparate for a friend at the moment), and I'm here on my "lunch break". Is this what it's coming to?? I have to come here on my "lunch break" as if this is an actual f'n job?! Thing is, and of course my hubby will never recognize this, a wife's job doesn't end at 5pm or closing time. It still goes on even through the night in some cases. I'm just so tired :/

But I do want to say that I feel so touched to be considered part of the family/that I belong here. I don't know if anyone's ever really said that to me, explicitly,...maybe with the exception of me kinda pushing for that, but not like this out of the blue statement you made, Bizi (with others' thoughts behind it I assume). I just feel so special. I wish that we knew each other in real life or that I didn't have this fear that I might get cut from the internet, for whatever reason, and not see you guys again or for awhile...I really don't believe it will go that far, but if hubby starts acting more like my dad, he might just shut off the internet one day. (dad used to do this with electricity). I mean, comeon! How damn immature is that?! ...alright, alright. I am calming down now. Don't want to get into **** again. Just trying to get by and do the best I can, take deep breathes, I got outside for a minute (fresh air), and taking full advantage of hubby being away at the store right now. So yeah. *exhales It's hard, but it's gotta get better, right?! It has to-that's all that's getting me by...and of course the support from all of my friends like you guys.

So many hugs!!!! <3