My aspergers makes it really hard to do something I don't want to do. I default to instant gratification.

Also I'm obsessed with uniformity. I buy everything in multiples of 2 or 8 depending on how expensive it is. I like even numbers and having a not uniform amount of possessions bothers me.

I've also been diagnosed with disorganized complex thoughts, but I am not a hoarder and I feel most comfortable in tight places with organized limited possessions.

My boss is very nice and forgiving to me. I told him I was tired at work and he beneficially told me to "work through it." I cannot work without him watching me as the only thing that motivates me is the instant gratification of him telling me that I'm doing a good job.

I tried so hard my whole life to do a good job at everything because I wanted praise, but if I am not being praised, for instance, when my mother, brother, and uncle told me I had no hope, I was going to fail, I wasn't ready, it wouldn't work, I am not a good person, I immediately stopped trying. They don't see how serious of an effect discouragement has on me, and apparently they aren't as effected by it.

I concluded that in order to switch tasks I would have to deliberately do things that I don't want to do. I started listening to music that I didn't want to listen to and watching media that made me uncomfortable. This allowed me to switch tasks more frequently through the day.

I am trying to desensitize myself from the extreme pain I feel when I do something uncomfortable, which makes me light-headed and pass out, but it hasn't worked yet.

I get a deep intolerable cringe when I try to do something I don't want to do and my brain shuts down making me extremely exhausted and feel like throwing a tantrum.

I feel like these things do not benefit me because they don't make me feel good. They make me hurt. But I know hurting is the answer if I could keep myself from cringing so hard that my brain shuts down or the light headed passing out when I try to accept it.

The answer would be acceptance. To change who I am and my sense of stubborn destiny. I would have to settle for an alternate reality and the destruction of my current destiny, if only I didn't pass out.

I know I've described myself as a fitting child and I often see myself this way. If only I could accept things I could get off my dad's paycheck. But it's very difficult to accept everything because it makes me feel guilty for being passive, something my mom always yelled at my dad for.

My allegiance to my mom is too strong and she was a very violent parent, chocking me and nearly cutting my head off with an axe. She told me she would "break my will" and she did. All I wanted to do was hang out with friends on high school.

It sounds sissy that I wanted the friend scene and it also sounds sissy that I respected my mom so much. I'm deeply confused as to how to not be sissy.

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