I really think your prayers are helping you whether you feel it or not. It brings you closer to God which is so wonderful even if it doesn't feel comforting. If only you could stop torturing yourself. I do the same thing. It is bipolar. I read a lot of happy ending stories to escape painful emotions. Of course a lot of times I feel too rotten to read. I have two kitty cats that comfort me. I wonder if you are any pets. I don't know how much spare time you have. I am retired.
It can be so very painful to be bipolar and have no control over it.
Take good care.
love
bobby