Hey Bizi! No worries. Take your time. But I am going to have to make a post today. (and I did a mini recap below so maybe you won't have to catch up on everything. hugs)

Also, thanks everyone. I still haven't been great, but I'm trying to at least take mini walks during the day a bit and some yoga at night. Better than nothing!

Ok, so I have to update. Lastest thing on my mind is this phone call to the insurance. I have anxiety when it comes to phone calls most of the time, and this has been worse because I want to do this call without hubby knowing. As you know, we are around each other most of the time these days, so I don't often get the chance and when I do, I get scared (of running out of time because usually I don't think about it until later when he's out on errands). But today (pat on back, BUT) well, I finally tried. Go figure, they are not in office today! I'm really sad and sick from the anxiety. The reason I'm calling is to determine my benefits for mental health services...I'm not even 100% sure what to ask for tbh. Is this "medical"? I assume it's "benefits". I'm anxious from not knowing and not knowing what in the hell they are talking about if they do respond. But seriously, I'm not sure what to ask specifically. I guess one question was if psychologists are covered like therapists are and/or does it depend on the doctor?...

and that's a whole different hell/anxiety! I have no idea where to start looking for these services. I mean, I got started, but the websites just list pages upon pages and you have to click on each one, or click a few times to see the description and by the time I go to the next one, I've already forgotten the last...and as I said, there are pages upon pages more. Plus, I wasn't too pleased with the care I got locally and a lot of those folks are from the same few clinics, but I have no idea about specialists in the big city next door. It's just so scary!

And why am I doing this behind hubby's back? Well, because I was hoping I could get a few good ones to pursue and THEN ask him if I could try again. Thing is, he explicitly said he doesn't want to do couples counseling. And in the past, he's made such a stink about therapy in general and pretty much said I wasn't going back when I was quitting. I don't know if he'd still be this stubborn now...but the other problem is is that he got a pretty big pay cut this year and lost his bonus and everything and might be losing more if this "thing" doesn't turn around soon. We are trying to stay calm and positive, but the truth is we've had to cut back spending already. I highly doubt he'd want to pay for therapy at this point.

I'm sorry. I think I've already mentioned this problem and was concerned folks here would stop talking to me if I didn't go back to therapy. I know now that you'll still support me, but I guess I wanted you to know that I was trying. Kinda seems hopeless though. I mean, maybe that's the other reason I'm so nervous about the insurance call. Why bother if I can't afford anything right now anyway?!

long rant and I haven't even talked about anything else going on. I dunno! I guess all of this and the fact that I'm still having marital issues is just a big stress on me. I'm just doing my best to cope and stay sane in these times, but it just makes me think too much and sometimes that makes me sad. Like for instance, this morning I was thinking how I got up too late to really get online much and I was feeling really blue about it. But if I'm this blue from missing out online, am I addicted? And if I'm addicted, does that mean things are just so unpleasant at home that I NEED this to cope?! I mean, I'm not saying hubby is all terrible. He's not. But it's like a ticking time bomb thing. Never sure exactly what's going to set him off and start us on another fight. grrrr :/

Ok, think that's a good update. If BIZI wants to skip a lot of what you've missed, this is a general update. One good thing though is my writing. I did a writing challenge last month (yes, finally got some creative energy and inspiration back <3 ) and I won my challenge/made my word count goal. And now I'm sharing the story so far with my Mom. She had positive feedback on the first page/day I sent, but now I'm a little nervous what she might be thinking as she reads the rest. Still...at least someone irl can know some of my real thoughts and I think that's necessary at this point. A parent isn't my ideal idea of a person to share these things with, but she's currently my "best friend" and the only one I trust with this stuff. Also, she's quite the bookworm, so hopefully she'll have some more specific feedback...although it is still a rough first draft, but you know...the content.

Thanks for reading folks! I know this was a long one!