What a time! It's finally warming up. I'm trying to remember what it feels like to feel good, and physically I feel good-sunshine and warmth on my body, but mentally I'm a wreck!

Well, I'm actually slightly better atm. Maybe just embarrassed. No, no, I still feel tears in my eyes. I'm embarrassed by my behavior today, yes, but what is worse is the pain I'm feeling that I used to feel as a young adult, and that is rejection. Rejection because I'm not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not good humored enough, not girly enough, not rational enough, not tall enough but not short enough, ...I think you get the picture. Or maybe not. I wrote a lot of physical looks descriptions, but it's more than that. It's lack of talent and lack of good behaviors in addition to the not good looking enough. I think it's just easier to criticize my looks because when i start criticizing my behaviors...well, it's just all bad!

I'm just starting to think how I did before I met my husband...I did not like myself. When I met him, I started to see the light. Now that he's being so critical of me, I'm losing that hope. I'm starting to doubt that I'm actually any better. I'm starting to wonder though, what it is I am supposed to do if everything I do is wrong. (he would tell me to shut up if he heard me talking like this. but i really just feel awful today! He does not understand depression and the emotional and perhaps, irrational thinking that goes on...but is it even irrational??)

anyway, I'm just so tired from working hard this month and not having any appreciation and I'm anxious and sad that the one who's supposed to love me, doesn't seem to care. (again, he'd get upset about this comment)

I gotta go. Obviously, I made my point. I'm a wreck and a loser1