Hey folks!

Sorry it's been awhile. I meant to come on Monday?? or was it last Monday?? but the soap opera didn't air that day, and things have just been sorta nutso ever since!

Tonight, I come here in a bit of a bad way. I'm not depressed, but I'm feeling really like down (don't know how else to describe it) about some recent events. I'm feeling like guilt and fear and a bit of anxiety...It's really hard to explain.

But ok, here are some facts
1) I think I only slept 4 hours last night (4a-8a) I took like a 15-20 minute nap this afternoon. But other than that, I felt as though I slept 10 hours! I just feel really good, in that sense.
2) was hypers*xual. Just feeling really "on" all day. (probably doesn't help that I watched a live concert of my crush, but he wasn't even being s*xual, per se. I just find him so desirable, it doesn't matter much what he does) Sigh! I still have fun with H though too.
3) I behaved in today in a way that I didn't think I should be doing...basically, I opened up to the wrong people. I felt it wrong before doing it, but I did it anyway. I'm getting that thrill of risky behavior, but I still remember an awful time when my behavior got me into trouble in the past (again though, not reckless driving or spending, so I don't know if it's considered bipolar?? Frankly, it's not something I care to open up about to my doctor either. )

Still, all of this said, I'm hoping that today was eye opening for me and that my fear kinda keeps me in check. I came here tonight to maybe get some support and encouragement in this. I don't want to say specifics, just that I'm struggling with control here...

so yea, a bit bummed. I feel like I have to censor myself, and that's ...well, i just feel ashamed like that it's come to that, and I'm kinda afraid to make a move at all with that particular crowd...i dunno! Guess, trying to get distracted. Ha! Well, the internet going out this evening for like an hour kinda helped that some. But it is nervewrecking, because that's very important for H's job.

Anyway, I didn't intend to write all of this. I hope I didn't blab too much here too that I'll regret later. :'(