you have to give yourself a break and stop torturing yourself. You are bipolar. I think of suicide a lot but am terrified of God. I also have kitties to think of.
I forgot if you said you are 37. to me that is so young. I wish you could start thinking of your future. Thank God you have a husband whom you sometimes have very good times with. I wish you could think of those rather than the bad things and at least you are not isolated. I am isolated and believe me it is the pits. Talk about sadness. You also have a loving family. That is such a gift. Mine were abusive and always scapegoated me I don't have pleasant memories. You will have wonderful pleasant memories and I think they will grow even more pleasant. I am happy for you that you don't have the pressure of having children.
I so love children and worked with them as a psychologist to help them not suffer the way I suffered. Being bipolar I think is too much to handle by itself.
I wonder if you could try writing happy short stories because you are a great writer.That might help take away some of the pain of your illness. I wish you could get your own kitties to comfort you!
bobby