Ok, well, according to this site's checklist (link below) that I found today, I have bipolar or bipolar 2 (probably the latter).

Before I was convinced that I didn't have bipolar...that it's just some sort of atypical depression, but just coming out of one (or even still in one and/or mixed) of my "manic" or "hypo" states, and I can tick off more boxes here now.

Look! I put an asterick (*) by the ones I felt I exhibited, or rather, exhibited most. I don't have much opportunity to speak or speak freely so I can't judge that, and my self-esteem is definitely higher than other times, but not sure if it's high high. And I seem to recall describing myself as easily distracted, but I can't remember it clearly right now.

And obviously, I relate to all of the criteria for depressive episodes.


(must have 3)
high self-esteem
*little need for sleep
increased rate of speech (talking fast)
*flight of ideas
getting easily distracted
*an increased interest in goals or activities
*psychomotor agitation (pacing, hand wringing, etc.)
*increased pursuit of activities with a high risk of danger

(must have 4)
*changes in appetite or weight, sleep, or psychomotor activity
*decreased energy
*feelings of worthlessness or guilt
*trouble thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
*thoughts of death or suicidal plans or attempts

Diagnosis Guide for Bipolar Disorder

I've also been looking at triggers, and things like negative events and to the contrary, positive events or achievements, as well as change in seasons and how that affects my sleep, all play important roles for me.

I'm still curious why I still seem better on antidepressants though?? I mean, I'm still experiencing depressive episodes, and the highs aren't extreme, and like the antipsychotics only made me constantly depressed and gain weight. I don't want that! :/ So like NOW, I don't want to admit that I'm again kinda mixed today to my doctor. But like, I seriously believe now that I DO have this...i know, what's the point if I'm not going to do anything about it?? Well, I'm gonna keep better record, for one...but I dunno!! Like really, what IS the point?! I'm managing myself ok...i think...I'm taking a Twitter break today, for instance, to avoid triggering my maniclike symptoms as well as having the sad comedown from those highs. Last night right before sleeping, I was sooo happy! I mean, I guess there was a slight"oh, i wish this could last forever" feeling, but today, I woke up completely depressed! Not thinking anything particular, just exhausted in every way, and had this terribly depressing song in my head. :/

I seem to be slightly better with the Twitter break, but I'm still going nuts on the internet with looking up this bipolar stuff. What else can I do though?! I'm so bored otherwise!!