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Old 09-03-2020, 12:39 PM
Diamond Tiger<3 Diamond Tiger<3 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2020
Posts: 87
2 yr Member
Diamond Tiger<3 Diamond Tiger<3 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2020
Posts: 87
2 yr Member
Default Healing through loss of mom

Hello everyone,
I am new here and have read many topics and came across this topic. I thought I would share my journey and though it is sad as it is with everyone, there is hope at the end when you feel there is no hope or you can't live on theough the grief and sadness. I hope my story may help someone. Here it goes

I lost my mom on November 22, 2000, which was the day before Thanksgiving of that year. She died at the age of 41 from emphysema. I was only 19 at the time of her death. Tragic it was and to lose her around the holidays, especially right before Thanksgiving was even harder. How could I be thankful and celebrate the holiday without her?
She was not just my mom, but also my best friend. Now, I was alone. Although it was the holidays, my family had traveled out of state to celebrate the holiday with extended family. I had to stay home and work that day. Sadly, I was unaware of my mom's death until the day after.
My whole world had changed and my life was turned upside down. I was lost and alone. The pain was horrible losing her. I just wanted my heart to stop hurting. Wished someone could cut my heart out of my chest just to make the pain stop. Through my pain I still had to work with my heartbreak. It was hard to do. The hearbreak was hell, next came the anger of losing her. How could God take my mom from me I asked myself. My anger turned towards God. It was both my anger and deep inside myself of having the determination and will to not give up that carried me through.
How could I give up after caring for my mom over 5 years and watching her suffer and she never gave up, nor could I.

As I'm saying this to myself, I reflected back on a time I honestly thought I was going to lose my mom. She had got really sick with pneumonia and was put in ICU at the hospital on a mechanical ventilator for several days. The doctors had told me the longest the would want her on the ventilator is 4 days. Reasons being, the body eventually will shut down and stop working, in my mom's case it was her lungs. Her body would become dependent on the ventilator and her lungs woyld stop functioning on their own.
Here it was day 6 and my mom was still on the ventilator heavily sedated. I was afraid this was going to be the time she wasn't going to make it. What was I going to do if she didn't? I stood next to her bed holding her hand telling her to fight. I needed her more than I could ever express as I'm squeezing her hand. That if she didn't fight harder, she would not make it off the machine to open her eyes and see me and the rest of our family again.
The next day, my mom began breathing more on her own than what the ventilator was breathing for her. That evening, the respiratory therapist came to take her off the ventilator. I stood outside her room next to my grandma and watched her through the window and waited for her to open her eyes and see her breathing on her own again with help from oxygen therapy.
It took a while because of the medication that kept her sedated while on the ventilator, but she finally opened her eyes and sat up.
It was rough and a struggle for her. Mom was still having trouble breathing and catching her breath. She had leaned over the bed and kept coughing trying to breath. It was so hard and she really was having such a hard time, I honestly thought I was gonna watch her die right then and there. I finally broke and began to cry. I tuened to my grandma and told her I can't watch this anymore. I just want to walk in there and tell her its ok and she can let go. My grandma told me no, don't you tell her that. Promise me you wont say that to her because if you do, she will let go. I had to tell my grandma, ok I promise I wont. By this time my mom looked up at me and saw me crying and that caused her to get upset which affected her breathing more. She had to turn her head and look away so she didn't look at me anymore and coyld focus on her breathing. By this time, the respirarory therapist had said he was gonna put her back on the ventilator. My mom told him no. Eventually, my mom started fighting harder and began breathing on her own a little better. As hard as it was for her to breath and keep fighting, she continued fighting and never gave up. How could I ever give up after watching her fight with so many reasons to give up? I couldn't as hard as it was to watch her suffer, I was going to stand with her and fight this with her until the end.

When she passed away, that is what I had to remember and hold on to. I'm perfectly healthy and still alive. I have to live for her now. She is no longer here and when she was those last 5 years she never gave up.
Through my anger and heartache I kept going. There were days all I could do is cry. There were also days I would cry some and dry up my tears to go to work and do my job. That is when my anger would set in that helped me do that. I had to deal with both emotions and still there were days that wasn't enough. But, I still was not going to ever give up and keep going, even through the holidays where I had spent them alone. The only time I was not alone was when I was at work. I had worked so muchvthrough that time, I wore myself out. When I went home every day after work, all I did was sleep from exhaustion.
Over the following months, I would force myself to go out after work to be around friends and do things I enjoyed, such as, billiards pool and bowling. Bowling gave me a outlet to get my anger out and it also brought me a small sense of comfort. It was the one thing my mom had done and enjoyed doing when she was healthy. A great bowler she was. So much so she competed on a semi pro level. Was more than good enough to become a actual pro and was presented with a oppurtunity to do so. But, she chose not to because she was a mom of 4 and didn't want to leave her kids while she had to travel. Bowling was something I had done with her.
Through the days, months, and years that followed, I found many ways to honor and celebrate her, like bowling.
Holidays and special occasions was very hard. I had to do something extra special on those days for her. Whether it be a activity she enjoyed or her favorite food. It was something that was her to have her presence with me.
I also would play music and would play songs that was her favorites. Or, special songs that were our songs.
Did I still cry and get angry through it, yes of course I did. But, I also found those moments in between where I could crack a smile and feel a little bit of happiness too. In those little moments, I would find more as time went on.
A few years ago, I found her anniversary of her death landed on Thanksgiving that year. I had to do something to honor and celebrate her memory on that day. It had to be something more than just eating her favorite food or playing her favorite songs.
As much as I love listening to music and rhe radio, I heard the local radio station advertising a food drive for Thanksgiving they were hosting collecting food for Thanksgiving to help families in need.
I had a idea and wanted to but food to donate. But, I also did not want to take funds away from my family either with the holidays fast approaching. It was too late by this point to do anything to raise money like a yard sale or something else.
I thought of all the pieces of jewelry my parents had bought me over the years as I was growing up from a young child that I do not wear anymore. It was just sitting in my jewelry box collecting dust.
I made the decision to take them to my local jeweler I was a customer of and sold it to the jeweler. I managed to get over $1,000 from all of it. My jeweler had even gave me a few extra bucks of his own money out of his pocket on top of the sale of my jewelry.
With money in hand, I managed to buy 19 complete meals from the turkey to the cranberry sauce and took it to the food drive.
It was one of the most humbling and best experiences of my life. Everyone there was so grateful and appreciative of what I had donated. I was not expecting that at all from everyone. The radio station wanted to hear my story of why I decided to donate so much food and put me on live radio for me to tell my story. Nervous and shell shock I did my best to explain why I had done this as my voice was cracking and my nerves were getting the best of me. All I could say was, it was the right thing to do and it is what God wanted me to do too. Most importantly, it was for my mom to honor her menory and she would want me to do this as I wanted to do this too.
I had learned to be thankful over the years for the time I was blessed to have my mom and not be angry anymore. Though I still have my moments of sadness, in which, I know I will always have. I fought through it all to live and be happy too.
I will not ever get over the loss of my mom. You don't ever get over it, you just reach a point you find peace with it and live through it It will always be there and I miss her all the time. I also know she is in heaven with God and I will see her again. Until then, I need to live life to rhe fullest and be happy because sge is not here and she woyld want that for me too!

I hope and pray by sharing this, it may bring some kind of hope and comfort with a loss of a loved one and may help you and be a reminder, it does get better in time. It is ok to be angry, sad, and anything else you feel. Do not allow anyone to tell you its not. Nor, that there is a time limit on your grief, because there isn't.
Live life like its your last breath!
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Kitt (09-03-2020), Lara (12-14-2020)