You're so sweet to ask!

Ughh, unfortunately at this very hour I'm not so great. I mean, it's just sadness. I've been up and down now for the majority of the last week (one "normal" day in there). Nights get harder. Fall is here, but other things. I dunno! Tonight there was a specific trigger...actually, most times there are, but they shouldn't be getting me so down. I dunno! Sorry, I'll get to it. Basically, I commented on a Tom post and he's still not replying/reacting to us, but others react to me. I was getting a lot of likes, but I started to realize that I may have been attracting the wrong attention and I was afraid I said something ...well, i was afraid and I deleted my comment. Oh, but I forgot to say, I was first to reply. Not sure if he even sees these, but it seems more likely he'd see the first couple. I was so excited and then so disappointed. Of course he sees this one that may have misrepresented me. U ghh. And just the sad thought that he hasn't noticed me or he might not even like what he sees, and it kills me to think I won't be liked by someone I love.
To top that off, my friend comes to show me she got liked by the former bandmate. Well, he never noticed me on tweets before (even if he sometimes talks to me in the chat). I just...im kinda jealous! I mean, she gets that like and she's also been recognized by Tom too. I mean, I'm happy for her, but at the same time, it's like salt in the wound. I know she needed the pickmeup, but still.

So, all that. But idk why, but I've also just been getting really sad (typically at night), feeling like disappointed in myself but also life, and I'm getting intrusive thoughts of self harm. Not wanting to act on them. (I'm too afraid of the pain, but the consequences) But yet I just ...it just hurts my heart so much. I mean, I don't even know how to explain it. I want to mentally go to that dark place and live in the hurtful thoughts, because I deserve it?? I dunno. I just feel I have to do it for some reason. Like...like I should be sleeping right now, but instead I decided not to fall back asleep just yet and be sad/angry more. But it also doesn't help that H is still awake. Think he's coming to bed now tho?? Yea, the irony is I've been not sleeping until 4 or 5 am a lot, and the night(s) I go to bed by 2 (or early/earlier), he's still awake. I slept enough the last couple of days, last night I was again up till 4 or 5, but i did force myself to sleep and to keep sleeping when id wake in the night... but yea, im having to force sleep! Like im not always tired or something. I know part of it is again too much screentime and not enough exercise...

Which reminds me. I started writing again. So I plan to be preoccupied with that this month and November. If I don't get on a lot, that's part of it. But I do think of you all a lot, and try to come on when I can (remember and am not so distracted). I'm gonna see how tomorrow goes. We were supposed to go vote. If I'm still feeling crappy... I don't know though. Like I said, poor habits could explain things. I really don't want more meds. But if those things don't work, then I'll write back my doctor and reconsider meds or treatment.

Thanks and sorry for the ramble.