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GeeLuv · 10-16-2020, 06:05 PM

Ok, first I want to say that I feel like I'm doing a lot of things RIGHT. And the writing hobby has been really good to keep me focused on something productive, as well as somehow help me better with my journaling. (the mood chart is separate tho)
I also have been attempting to do better with exercise, as I've noticed it greatly helps keep my mood positive...and maybe that's a bit of hypomania at play (or this mixed stuff), but I do have to force it. I KNOW it helps me when I'm down, so forcing it is good, even if I hate it at first.
Um, I'm sure there are more good...oh, just like keeping the house cleaner??? Although I'm sure that's debatable *rolls eyes
Ok, now for the shortcomings. Biggest biggest issue has always been and is still being a problem. Me being so distracted that I burn or screw up food. Now then, to my defense, a lot of these times I honestly believe it's not for lack of focus, but just that it's not an exact science to get everything perfect (flavor and such). idk! H still maintains that I don't listen, but I swear, there are too too TOO many rules and it's different for every dish (well, kinda or practically). I've done my best to make things easy to remember...
The other complaints are well, the focus, specifically that I'm online while cooking. I still maintain that I can multitask and I actually DO use the computer to keep track of the time. Today was another unfortunate time that I did get distracted though. H didn't say anything at all about it, but I am pretty dang sure he noticed/knows...and it'll probably come up at some point. idk! But like, I'm so grateful at the moment he didn't say anything, because I already know I very much screwed up, and that is what brings me to the

TRIGGER!!
TRIGGER- it's just that I feel so incompetent, or I feel he makes me feel that way. Like, why am I really screwing these things up so much?? I KNOW today I was mentally distracted. It was definitely a case of the different recipe, different method of cooking time, so I just assumed it was the regular thing and let it go too long. I DID however, stay in the kitchen and could smell it getting done, so I shut it off soon enough so that it wasn't that bad, but again, I'm sure he noticed cuz I did. I actually tried scraping burnt bits off and tossing them before he could see/say anything...That shows how aware and how bad and scared I get...so that is when I start thinking the worst thoughts.
And it's so bad because i ...again, I don't WANT to say it's an addiction, but I really really do NEED my tablet/earbuds/internet/online "family", because I just do not have any other things interesting I can do. I have my chores, but everything else I enjoy (well, besides exercise) requires being with other people. Obviously, it's difficult in these days, but even if I could get together with people irl, they are not the kind of relationships I NEED. I mean, sure it's fun and good sometimes, but not for a regular thing and can in fact be quite distracting or even toxic! And even though he loves me, H just has a comPLETEly different way of thinking about things. Not saying it's necessarily wrong, but it is hard for me. I love him too though, and despite me doing or saying things that he doesn't always like, I do/say these things to try to make our lives better. Yes, to make my life better, but I can't make OUR life better, if I'm not better. Make sense??
Clearly, I just need to talk about these things, and a lot more than I get to do...and this also takes time typing it out and just the logging in, turning stuff on, loading time, blah blah blah...
Well, this is already very long and i think I explained enough for now. I'm not in any harm, but that's kinda where my head has been. Hypo/obsessed...but also just imperfect circumstances that make doing things and doing them in a timely manner difficult. Oh yea, and with the days getting shorter/less sunlight=ugh!!
Sorry, ONE last thing. The mood chart-I used to be REALLY good at this, but at that time, I wasn't really fluctuating so much. So I made it simple. My daily mood/s. But once I got my new journal, I somehow completely forgot to start tracking that again. Yea, I wanted to do a more detailed thing, but instead, I ended up doing nothing. (that's kinda me though, unfortunately. perfect or nothing at all...actually, H is VERY much this way too, except he's "perfect" AND does it all! Good, but also very VERY irritating/intimidating for me).
ok, bye for now! (((((hugs)))))