I don't usually post in this TBI section but it's not possible to send you a private message until you have more posts here.

I don't know what country you are in but many countries now have suicide prevention hotlines. You call the number and someone is there to talk to you.

The person is supposed to have been trained and to be understanding. It sounds as if you would really benefit from talking to someone in a situation where you can lay out your concerns in more detail.

i hope that you will look for some counseling so you can get through this bad time more easily.