Hi Alafia22,
I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly.
I wanted to let you know that there is a SOS - Survivers of Suicide Forum here where you can talk too.

What to do if you are alone and thinking of suicide

Remember, suicidal thoughts are temporary but can come and go. When you're feeling at your worst it's best to call a friend or find a support person to be with you. If you can call a professional such as a doctor or your prescribing physician urgently.

It sounds just from reading (and I'm just waking up in Au so may be wrong) but your medications sound really confusing. Sometimes they can do the opposite of what they're supposed to do and may need adjustment.

What country are you in? We can help you find the support/help lines if you need us to do that. I'm sorry that the confirmation time for joining the site so long for you and that you're frustrated with posting your message.

Hang on tight there. Remember that these suicidal thoughts are temporary but you must reach out for professional help and as I suggested, call a friend to be with you or a neighbour.

So sorry for your terrible loss and I'm sorry that you're so sad.

Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.