you are so sweet. I just woke up again and feel so awful. I have so many terrible memories of my family. I really don't have any good ones except for my father letting me have s many new tennis rackets as I wanted. When Myra went for an interview at Wellesley College with my father, all he did on Myra's interview was to talk about my tennis. She hated me for so many reasons. I begged since I was a little girl for have a dog. My father repeatedly said no. He said it would break your heart when they would die. Finally when I graduated college I bought Siggy, a miniature schnauzer. The breeder put a leash on Siggy He was such a sweet dog. His brother was exceptional bright and dragged Siggy around the room. We felt so sorry for Siggy we chose him. Don't know my mother let me. Siggy didn't bark for three months. When we took him to ,a dog trainer he acted so dumb and couldn't follow any commands. Finally when the trainer took control, Siggy dropped his act. He learned commands so fast He wasn't sure at one point if the trainer wanted him to sit or come, so he crawled to the trainer. Of course when the trainer let us have Siggy back again, my Siggy again stopped obeying commands.
,What a painful experience My father made me feel so guilty and when I went to New York to work, my father said to leave him at home because he would be alone when I was working but Siggy was my dog and loved me the best. Sure enough my father died two years after Siggy died. He always kept him by his side. He loved Siggy so much.
.. I know I really ticked off my mother and father when I returned to Italy to marry somebody but it didn't work out. He wanted me to marry him immediately but I wanted to wait a few months to see if I could adapt. Franco said I had to marry him immediately in case I were to leave and break his heart.
It wouldn't have worked out. Right before I left for Italy. my old boyfriend came into New York to see me. I should have married him. When I was in eight grade I knew I was going to invite him to my senior dance. What joke. Each thought the other came from perfect families. It turned out years later his mother divorced his father for wife beating.
When Steven visited me I told him I was leaving for Italy to get married. Later when i learned he finally married I cried.
My parents were so were so cruel to me. As I have written before, one of my doctor's said my bipolar wouldn't have been so bad if I had had a different family. It just feels so hopeless. The older I get now, the worse it seems to get..
A couple of days ago I have back pain on my upper left side. Don't know why that happened.
I feel so lost and scared. I think my stomach aches are back.
Oh I think they scapegoated me, because they all tried to deny my father was an alcoholic except me even though everybody knew and my mother cared so much about appearances. She was so weird. When she and I went to eat when my father was finally dying and I was crying, my mother said wait until we are home so nobody will see you cry. She did buy me a bottle of Scotch.
love
bobby