I used to be a happy person, living my daily life the way I wanted to live it. I had the chance to work on my passion everyday, and was waking up excited to work on new project . Spending hours learning how to get better at my crafts and improve my skills, damn it was so good. I was doing music, drawing, painting (I used to love create things ), hanging out with friends, doing a lot of sports (used to LOVE watching but mostly practicing sports like basketball, soccer, and running, i loved running) taking care of me and the peoples i love and my family, i honestly couldn’t be more happy than I was (I wish to anyone to find a passions and living it that way, it’s truly amazing ), until 8 month ago when my life drastically change for the worse.
8 month ago I got alcohol poisoning at a party with friends (I don’t drink often tbh, I’m not a heavy drinker), and I woke up the next day with a condition called anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure in anything). At first I didn’t pay much attention to hit thinking it was just a temporary problem caused by alcohol, nothing really important. But the problems remain for weeks, and then months. I’ve seen multiple psychologist, psychiatrist, doctors, and they all called my case « atypical » cause they don’t think it’s depression (I also don’t think it is regarding my previous life and the so sudden change) but cannot pinpoint where the problem comes from. I’ve also done multiple MRI, CT Scan, blood test, kidney and bladder scan,etc… and they all came back fine. During all this lapse of time I tried to maintain a normal life but after a while I couldn’t and gave up. On top of that my sleep as been completely disrupted (started like 2 days after the event), I don’t have problems falling asleep but I keep waking up multiple time for no reason every nights. I’ve been giver battery of medication like benzo, hydroxyzine or even zopiclone for sleep but, none of them had any effect. Out of curiosity I tried drinking alcohol 4 month after the event and 3 days ago, but can’t feel the « high » effect anymore. Basically I can’t feel the endorphins/dopamine or the pleasure hormones that the body usually send you. I want insist on the fact that this is not due to depression at all, it happened overnight. I’m thinking about maybe the glutamate excess that this alcohol consumption as trigger during the hangover have caused permanent damage to my reward pathway.
So since this event I can’t be creative anymore, all the previous thing I told above don’t bring me pleasure anymore ( when I say pleasure I refer to feelings the hormone like endorphin/dopamine kind of thing flowing in my body). I can’t feel orgasm, runner high, appreciate a movie/photo/art, music make me feel nothing anymore, I can still taste food but don’t get pleasure from it, I feel disconnected when talking with friend cause I don’t feel touched emotionally by every subject we used to talk about or even new one anymore, and the list goes on. I’m exhausted by the lack of proper sleep and can’t workout anymore cause my body don’t recover properly and is sore ( also cause I can’t feel the high from sports anymore, which as the time goes by, really demotivate me).
Now after all this months, I feel depressed cause my life completely changed in one night and I regret everyday going to this party that night. Idk what to do anymore I gave up on trying to maintain a healthy life like before and spend most of my days sitting on a couch, sending support to loved one, and thinking about my future, cause I can’t appreciate the present moment anymore. It’s hard cause I lost everything I loved, passion, interest etc… the thing that made my life worth living and I don’t know what I’m gonna do in the future. It seems like I fried my brain or the reward circuits in it permanently this night. I dont want to die (I’m only 20), but I also wonder what’s the point of staying alive just to be alive and not being able to enjoy anything.
I just want to add, if you have passion or even tiny things that you can appreciate in your daily life (like reading, drawing, art, photos, movies, nature, fashion etc…) then please do it, as much as you can, it’s a big gift to be able to enjoy things so please find tiny things you love and can practice 🌅🌸