i knew i screwed up. i left a message with Dorot over 2 weeks ago about having a visitor deliver a thanksgiving dinner and visiting for a while and I didn't get a call back. yesterday I called my friend David who is connected with Dorot and heard his lovely wife in the background saying I wasn't on the list. It was so nice talking to him. I gave him my p.t.'s number. Already a neighbor i only know by sight is now using him because i told her how nice he was and she got him another client who lives in the building. that made me feel good.
Finally that tea worked again after I had coffee. I had a stomach ache all night.
When I speak to the Rabbi Intern next time since he seems to really understand me I'll ask him how can I help myself with the persistent feelings I want to die but I don't want to be apart from my kitties. i am not suicidal.