It's so nice to know that this is a common experience, albeit it a hard one...Carey, thanks so much for your reply. I'm glad you are settled on SSDI and Medicare. If I understand the process correctly, it is a minimun of 6 months (usually much longer) to be approved for SSDI - before one can even apply, actually - and then another 24 months to receive Medicare - a long row to hoe, to say the least. But I imagine it would feel like a hard-earned and well-deserved resting place by the time one attained it - like the relief of having had the courage to yank that bandaid off....all I can do at so far is stare at the dern bandaid and kind of wonder what's underneath and how much it will hurt. But I think eventually I need to get to SSDI, no matter how daunting.

And Steffi - you are so eloquent and encouraging in describing the loss of your teaching profession - and how you have found other ways to use your skills and other good things have come your way! You are so upbeat - I do believe that our attitude influences our circumstances. And yours is amazing. House flooded? Plant a garden! When I was very little - about two or so - I had a bad bout of some illness in the middle of winter and begged my mother to let me go outside - when she replied that it was too cold for me, I (a fledgling gardener) said "But how will I ever get well unless I can get my hands in the dirt?" My mom put down some newspapers, went out and filled her roasting pan with dirt and let me get my hands - and her kitchen! - good and dirty. I also got well. I do think gardens have healing powers...look how your white garden pulled us all in.

Michael - you sent me to the dictionary with "lagniappe!" You have a good point, and one well-taken, giving a different perspective to this situation I find so conflictual. You mean it's not all about me and my needs? I feel I'm still - at least most of the time - doing the honest day's work - but at a very high cost to myself. No energy to exercise or eat correctly and my health is suffering - this following a meeting with my doctor yesterday....and other issues - You fired yourself! Exactly the advice given to me by a disability attorney - "you need to get fired and then come to see me!" (anyone have any comments on that one?) He was saying that, to strenghten my case for SSDI and Medicare, a firing would demonstrate my inability to work, my disability. As you were self-employed, hopefully you were fired with a good pension plan and health insurance in place. I don't have those (too many years on the part-time mommy track job, only the last four full-time)...and, last fall, I thought to simplify my life by buying a much smaller house - which I love, a cute little cottage - but haven't been able to sell my other house, so there is a financial squeeze (I'm widowed, no second income in this family)....the idea of arranging meds to get though work might carry me for a while, thanks for the suggestion. And the new word!

You've given me a lot of things to think about...and I must apologize for taking so long to reply...I spent the weekend helping a friend move and ended up so exhausted I was in bed for two days, virtually unable to walk as far as the bathroom. First time I've experienced that. Thanks again.