I feel your pain. I'm in my 60's and have recently lost(since 2000) both my mother and my husband's father to dementia and the complications thereof. My father in law died of aspiration pneumonia, as did my mother, although her death certificate said just dementia. The story of my mother was a much more gradual progression than yours. She was also in an assisted living facility for 4 yrs. She technically shouldn't have been there because she was already incontinent when she went, but they were just starting, glad to take anybody. We eventually had her transferred to a nursing home because they couldn't keep her anymore. She died after less than two months in the new place.

The changes I saw in her over the years were very interesting, I lived 1600 miles away, so saw her about 3 times yearly and talked to her on the phone frequently. She went from being able to talk fairly normally to not making much sense at all, to crying when she heard my voice, to just saying "oh hi dear". When I could no longer understand many words we communicated by the tone of her voice. I could tell if she was telling me a funny story, etc. I could walk in her room after not seeing her for 4 months, and she didn't know the difference. I could call her upon returning home from a visit, she had no idea I'd even been there. It was horrible for all of us, but she of course, as she always had, handled it with class

My father in law was the one who kind of went downhill fast after a hospitalization. He had an inguinal hernia repair. I think he had a stroke during this hospitalization and although he lived about 10 more years he was never the same.

I know that alot of people who go into hospitals for one thing come out with a whole different set of problems. Most of this is just what happens to the body when we get into that 80 year old decade, and don't pop back like we used to. Also change, as you've seen, is hard for the elderly, and they are more prone to have problems that escalate into serious problems quickly. There probably isn't any "right or wrong" decision to make. Just go with the flow, help where you can, put your foot down when you need to.

I don't think my mother had much of an idea who I was when she died and I know my father in law didn't, but I know they both knew I was somebody they liked. That was about all I could hope for. Hugs, phoebe