Well...where do I start?? 4 years ago I lost my best friend to a lifelong illness, he was only 26 and myself at the time 20 years old. This was such a hard time because I watched my friend go from being such a vibrant individual who I have to say was one of the biggest influences on who I am today to barely hanging on for months eventually slipping away after falling in to a coma. I was so scarred by this and having seen how much pain he had been in and his deterioration, it was just awful. I knew it wasn't good for me, but it never occurred to me to look after myself, my only concerns were always for my friend and knowing that he needed me was all that mattered. I have struggled through these past 4 years,and my friend has never been more than a thought away. Somehow though, I managed to go on and I had regained somewhat normality back in to my life. I mean I hadn't had a terribly easy four years having also lost my nanna who was 85 and also my childhood dog who had a very special place in my heart. But you know, with my Nanna, i was sad, but it really was no comparison to the trauma of losing my friend because my nanna had had a decent innings, she had lived a long and fulfilling life. And so you are all probably wondering where this story is going... For a couple of years I had been planning the most spectacular trip to Europe. Finally this year in May, I set off for a 3 month trip, I was on cloud nine, best thing I had ever done! 8 weeks in to my trip, I was awoken by a phone call early in the morning... It was my Dad. Immediately I knew something wasn't right. He went on to tell me that my brother was in a coma because of a drug overdose and the likely recovery was nil due to extensive brain damage. My world came crashing down with that phone call! I didn't know that I could ever feel such a deep level of pain. I have lost so much in my life already, but hearing those words from my dad, i just felt like my insides had been ripped out and i still do! Obviously as soon as I heard the news, i struggled to find a way home with being peak season. It was the absolute worst moment of my life!! I managed to get home 5 days after hearing the news - my family awaiting only me so that the life support machines could be turned off. I caught 5 different planes and spent well over 40 hours to get home to my brother. There was 20 months difference between himself and I, we were very close growing up. We had our moments of fighting, crying, laughing and hanging out and I loved every minute of it! We really had become good friends since he moved out of home and i never admitted it, but i absolutely idolised him. He was my biggest influence growing up, apart from mum and dad ofcourse...everything i did in life, anything i bought etc, i always gave him a thought and couldn't wait to show him and tell him things. We had this special bond and I was always so proud that he was my brother and that nothing i could say or do was ever going to change that fact he was always going to be around for me. On the 22nd of July I arrived back in Australia and immediately went to his bedside. To see my brother the way I saw him was nothing short of heartbreaking. There lay this amazing, funny, caring, confident guy who always gave the impression that he could handle anything life threw at him barely even a shadow of himself, just an empty shell. Right to the end, even having seen him in that horrible state, I always expected that miracle would have it and that he would wake up after the machines were turned off. He passed away on the 24th july 2007... I will never forget that day! Sad thing is,it was all just due to a horrible mistake, a silly reckless moment on behalf of my brother - he wasn't a junky. He was the most intelligent, funny person and had so much going for him. He was always the bright one in the family and an endless number of people always said that he could have been anything he wanted to be!. I just find it all so hard to believe that his role in this life was complete, I had always envisioned that he was destined for such big things in life. So now i struggle,at 24, two of the biggest influences in my life both dead at 26. I'm finding all of this so very hard to deal with... especially the loss of my brother! I know he would be so disappointed and angry with himself over this and i find it hard to be at peace knowing that he wouldn't be. I still feel that I need to protect him when i know that I now can't. I am finding it hard to cope with the fact that him being gone is forever. I still feel like this is a dream! After I lost my best friend, i felt like i lost most of my friends, we all just struggled to get past the grief and seeing each other i guess was just too painful. With the loss of my brother, I now also fear that my mum and dad especially will never be the same, nor will my other sisters. And what about christmas and birthdays...this is all just so hard to believe!!