((((((Barbara-Barbara-Barbara)))))),



I think that Doug came into your life for a lot of reasons. To show you the 'possibilities'. But, maybe also to disconnect that tripwire of yours

Picture this -- OK?? Say that you are given 100 pieces of life-force to spend any way that you want to. When you spend them all, your time is up here. Do you really want to spend 10 or 15 or 20 pieces of life-force on this b+itch?? You already know you don't like her. Why would you waste any part of your life having anything at all to do with her??

I don't know if I've mentioned this before: there are going to be times that Doug is going to try to push you away. Now that you two have become closer, it wouldn't surprise me at that he would want to try to avoid hurting you. His dying is going to hurt like hell. If he pushes you away and you're not around when he dies, he might think, in his twisted male logic, that you won't be hurt?? Between my family and my work as a home health aide, I've been around a lot of people when they're nearing the end, I've seen a lot of them do this -- push people away. It's also part of the process. If they're still connected to everyone and to everything in this realm, it would be absolutely impossible for them to leave without feeling excruciating heartache.

The CD -- instead of feeling like Mount Saint Helen's about to erupt again -- could you have walked in this morning and heard the CD playing and said something like "Oh, you found my CD!! Did you want to keep it for awhile longer?? I was hoping to listen to it this afternoon." No judgment. No anger. No creating little scenarios in your head about how horrible everyone is treating you. Simple statements of fact and desire.

I know how hard you're working, Barbara. I'll just bet you're exhausted and tired and scared and lonely and unsure of yourself. Maybe you forget how recent the steps toward you growing into your own life have been -- I don't. You've done a fantastic job in starting a new life away from a man that didn't deserve you. You've gotten all wound up in taking care of Doug -- which some might say was mistake because you're still dealing with the issues of your divorce. I truly think, though, Barbara, that Doug is an angel here to help you along on your journey. He might not be wearing the pretty pink tutu and and the fancy gold tiara; but, I think you've grown immensely in the time since he came into your life.

Honey, try to lose the tripwire for awhile or put it away in a drawer somewhere and see how much BETTER 'things' are when you don't react with that instinct that was actually created under other circumstances. That 'quick, sharp instinct' was honed by your husband, probably by other relatives of yours, and probably by your parents. Try to put that split-second instinct away for awhile and see how wonderful things are when you react to what is really happening NOW.

Bless you, sugar. BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb