Grappling With Grief

How Can I Put My Mother's Death Behind Me? By Judy Sobiesk


Aug. 27, 2001 -- How often I've heard a sudden death referred to as "a merciful way to go." For those left to mourn, however, it's often an incredibly traumatic, unbelievably painful time. Your unresolved grief issues and family history of depression surely increase the pain you're feeling.


The grieving process is as unique as the people who grieve. It's a necessary and healthy journey, but it can be quite frightening because there are no specific directions that tell you where to turn and how long the trip will take. While I respect the choice of those who want to be alone in their grief, I firmly believe it's better to take this journey with others.


Have you heard of grief support groups and therapists who specialize in grief issues? Grief groups have become very popular of late, and are often sponsored by churches, hospitals, community continuing ed programs, and therapists.


I've yet to talk to anyone who doesn't praise the benefits of participating in such a group. When we share our feelings -- whether we're grieving the death of a spouse, parent, or child, whether the death was sudden, violent, or long-in-coming -- healing occurs. Not often like a bolt of thunder, but more often, slowly, in waves, it happens. The waves of grief often feel like tidal waves at first but over the years become soft -- even comforting -- like the ripples on a calm sea.


The makeup of a grief group attests to how alike we all are when we communicate on a feeling level. It's not unusual for a senior citizen groping with a 60-year-old grief issue to be sitting next to, understanding, and comforting a newly widowed young woman. Whether grief is new or ancient, whether the group members are young or old, outgoing or extremely shy, sharing our pain with others works.


Now about being "the strong one" -- I've been there, done that. I could have written a letter just like yours when my own mom died suddenly when she was 56 and I was 30. At that time I didn't see that being "the strong one" was a horrible burden and stood in the way of my grieving and healing. I would help anyone but didn't let others help me. Sound familiar? I thought I could fast-forward through the pain. I was wrong.


I don't think grief groups existed then -- I probably wouldn't have been open to them anyway. My pain eventually overcame my pseudo-strength and I found a therapist who seemed like a good match. I found that letting friends in to my pain and hard work in therapy are a winning combination, one I highly recommend to you. That was the beginning of healing and learning how to be a truly strong woman who could also deal with family and personal issues of depression.


Maybe writing to us was the beginning of reaching out. Please continue this impulse. We were not meant to "do" life alone.



Judy Sobiesk is Dan Savage's mother and the person who inspired Dan to go into the advice business. Judy lives with her husband near Chicago, where she raised her four kids, three straight and one gay. Until her cameo appearances in "Dear Dan," a previous advice column, came along, Judy gave advice for free, primarily to her children.

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(((Shattered))) You are in shock right now...it's your minds way of protecting you from the pain of your loss. Please take good care of yourself and when you feel "up to it", try to go to a support group.

(((Steash))) 7 months is not very long in the grieving process. And I think you never resolved your grief over the loss of your brother.
It takes as long as it takes.