((((((FreeSpirit)))))),

I've got a suggestion/idea. You can do with it what you will. I'm assuming you have a wastebasket handy

I've been fighting depression for about 46 years (since I was a teenager). Lost my younger Brother (the other half of my soul) to suicide when I was 21. So ... I figure I've got a little bit of experience to base this on.

I'm in 'lowered tones' now. I figured it was just the d*** depression coming back. But, I think it's different this time. It'll be 40 years on October 24 since my Brother committed suicide -- the 'decimal' years are harder. I'll just wait it out.

This is my idea: Get some great big sheets of paper and some big fat crayons and sit on the floor (if you can) or on the bed in a quiet room and just draw. Draw your body. Draw your thoughts. Just draw clouds and put words inside the clouds. See if any of the clouds are 'related'.

You mentioned that you were having trouble getting "in touch" using your words. I believe that sometimes there just aren't words to express what we feel. That's why the drawing is so helpful. It connects with a different part of your brain.

I'll give you an example. 15/16 years ago, I fell when I got carpet shampoo on my no-wax kitchen floor -- didn't know I could skate across the entire room like that I fell and sat on my thumb. They thought I might have broken the thumb -- it was all black and hurt like heck. Then I got an infection that went from the thumb up into the wrist.

The interesting thing is the other wrist started hurting too and I hadn't done anything to that one. They did all the nerve and muscle conduction tests. Couldn't see anything on the other hand.

I got crayons and paper and sat down and drew my pain. What I drew was me trying to chop my hands off at the wrists because my Brother was trying to pull me into the grave with him. That was only way I could think of to get him to stop pulling me toward him.

When I realized what was going on -- I cried -- SOBBED uncontrollably for a long time. Then I started to heal.

I don't know you. But, I gather from what you just said that there are 'issues' in your history. Heck, we all have issues. But some have bigger and better (*NOT*) issues than others.

If there's something in your history that you haven't dealt with yet. OR, if there a decision NOW that you need to make and you're putting it off, you'll find out what it is by drawing it.

It's weird, but it really does work.

I wish you guys weren't having to deal with this. I know how much it hurts and I know how much it . The hardest thing that we have to do is FACE what is causing us pain. Once we 'accept it' or 'deal with it' or 'learn to live with it' or 'find a way around it' -- whatever the solution turns out to be for YOU, it's much easier to **LIVE**.

BIG HUGS. And joy in your future.

Barb