i guess i should check in before august gets away from me! can't believe how fast this year is going by, you guys.

still on the fence about having a re-do. even though chelsea's been given a reprieve on the hep 'C' front... at least for now, and won't have to deal with this again in the foreseeable future (unless she meets that "perfect" guy and decides to make me a grandmother, that is!.

the decision to have the rib resection was a no-brainer, given my dx (true neurogenic TOS) and the fact that i have end-stage hand atrophy. plus the pain levels are majorly unbearable - but that's been the case for many years, so i think i just busted myself in another vital lie. somehow or another, i bear them don't i.

i just do not relish the idea of going back under the knife, knowing that it will not do anything to address those pain levels. guess i need more information as to whether it will improve the odds on saving my L hand. according to dr. weaver, there is no hope for either the intrinsic muscles OR the nerves ever coming back. the other top TOS docs i've seen have given me hope for at least the nerves to regenerate after the BP release.

so now the question is, are these complications making the hand worse? it will be 2 years in nov. since i had the rib resection. of course, i did have that unfortunate TV episode 5 weeks post-op and that didn't help anything... but since i couldn't get anyone in the ER to image my BP or even look at the goddamned surgical report from denver i suppose i'll never know, will i.

i have the collins study from a couple of months after that incident, but his abject hatred of my surgeon is such that i have a hard time trusting the contents of that novella. plus, the man doesn't seem to have the courage of his convictions... he talks vaguely about "residual rib" in the body of the dang report but states nothing definitively in his conclusions. i don't believe ribs grow back that fast, and i really don't believe steve annest is that careless!!! i just don't.

(collins also states in one sentence that my left shoulder is higher than my right, then a few lines down that my right shoulder is higher than my left... so perhaps i got him on a bad day. never did get a final version of the damned thing! - nor could i seem to get anyone other than the prescribing physician to even look at it, despite it's very hefty pricetag.)



but here's the thing. there is something else going on which i will probably continue to explore while i am gathering second opinions and making plans for an autumn trip to denver.

i have been seeing an energy healer. her name is maria, and she specializes in trauma. i put a post up about it this morning in the spriitual sanctuary forum, if anybody is interested. not sure what to say about it here, other than what is left of my mind is pretty much being blown by this person.

now i don't want anybody to get the wrong idea here! some of you know parts of my story. and maria herself did tell me that she doesn't think i should go on oprah and say that TOS is caused by trauma, or anything like that... but she is wondering whether in MY case (and given some of the losses i've shared with her in our sessions) some of my high, high pain levels aren't related to unprocessed grief. because let me just tell you, i've had some stuff happen in my life and no one there to really help me with it - especially as a child. zero coping skills. can't say i really developed them as an adult, either, until maybe relatively recently. survival skills, yes. coping? nah!

so i have to put my stupid medical file back together again because i lost that. then i left my brand-new notebook that i just bought - which had some great stuff in it and a lot of people's numbers, etc. (including maria's!) i think in shelley's hospital room when she had her thyroid yanked out last month and we went to visit her.

i lose everything that means something to me. what is up with that? my life has been about loss and pain, pain and loss. good grief! i'm a soul survivor.

is it september yet? i figure if the leaves can change, then so can i.

alison
"Be Brave"