I wrote this and posted it in the admin forum on the 23rd because I knew I needed it off of my chest, but I knew I'd probably lose 'my job' if I put it on the public forums where it belonged. But honestly, I can do my job which is to reach out my hand when someone is in need without this title, so by all means - just take it away from me if what I am about to do deems disciplinary actions. I don't see myself being banned as I am not personally attacking anyone, but instead - defending those who are attacked constantly without action taken towards those whom I feel are guilty enough to at least issue an apology but are too wrapped up in themselves they can't. If I am banned, I guess it was worth it and my only loss would be those people I feel I can help via sharing information, support, etc. - which is what I thought this website was for. Not a home for cliques who picks who is worthy of visiting their forum.

This doesn't belong just here, it belongs all over the forums in every area where things like this take place. This thread in specific, is just one I selected because I know while some people aren't posting here, they are reading it and they need to read MY OPINION. We are all entitled to one, right?

This may be my final post depending on exactly how far I plan to take this. I say this because today I am taking it personal and I am most certainly making it personal.

I am going to make one thing clear. First and foremost, I am not stupid. I know the difference between a debate, a disagreement and someone being downright mean and bullying.

This probably isn’t the best time in my life for me to be doing this, and I am pretty sure I am on the verge of a meltdown – or possibly having one as I type this. This is how my week started.

I had 9 vials of blood drawn, which is the third time this has been done in the past 9 days. I look like a heroin user. I have been having my womanly cycle for the past month, literally. My partner finally admitted to being sick of me being sick, which was perfect timing as it was a moment after I had accidentally not made it to the bathroom in time and threw up on our white carpet. My brother left rehab after an outstanding 2 day stay and continued to call me 32 times with various suicide threats which he frequently does when I won’t give him money. I only order him a pizza because I do not want him to be hungry. He left the worst goodbye voicemail on my phone which triggered my gag reflex prompting me to throw up, which is something I’ve done so many times this week I’ve lost count.

I am being treated for Lyme Disease which is quite unpleasant considering I already have enough pills I have to take every day that I am really just tired of taking them. Within 15 minutes of taking a pill, I throw up in the most violent manner it made my morning sickness 9 years ago seem like a day at the park. I don’t know if it’s the Parvo or the Lyme, but whatever it is causing this pain is the closest to hell I ever want to be. It has gotten so bad I cannot even walk up my own stairs to sleep in my own bed. I cannot finish folding a small load of laundry because my arms shake due to being so fatigued. Every part of my body that bends is swollen. This is not where I wanted to be when I was 30. I did not want to collect ‘ologists’ as my hobby. I wanted to work at an animal rescue. But I can’t work at all, because it’s constantly one thing after another.

It’s not like I even complain about it every day either. As a matter of fact, I don’t even say anything half of the time I am sick or in pain. I suck it up and hope it passes as fast as it showed up. But this time, it’s not passing – it’s staying and it’s constant. I can only hope my tray of needles with cortisone I am expecting next week will offer me some comfort because at this rate, I am turning into a very bitter person who loathes waking up.

Do I want or need pity? No. I have been sick, literally, since I was an infant and guess what? There’s millions of people out there worse off than me, people who have felt worse pain; either physically or emotionally for years with no control over it (or even worse, having no feeling at all). There are people out there who are in pain but haven’t been given a diagnosis so they don’t have a group of people fighting for a cure for them. They have nothing but hope. You see, I don’t believe one condition be it diagnosed or not is more ‘valid’ than another. Some things hurt people in different ways and regardless of the manner – they are still people with something they shouldn’t have to deal with. Do I feel worse for people terminally ill than I do people who aren’t terminally ill? No. Because we will all die, it’s something you cannot escape. I don’t think people should have to have their lives shortened, or people have to live their lives into the ‘acceptable’ age of natural death but be in pain up until those days. I think a broken heart is just as painful as a broken leg.

I don’t think how I feel now is a reason for me to be mean to people and I was worried this may sound mean, but right now - I am making myself feel worse sitting here dwelling on how upset I am. I was told yesterday they probably cannot reverse what’s been done to my body. So now I am sharing the same symptoms my 85 year old Grandma has, the difference being she earned hers with age. I have never ever thought to myself, though. If someone, for example, my friend was having a bad day – man troubles or something. Or she just wanted to do something girly and cheesy or wanted some peace.. I didn’t sit there and scream “I have Epilepsy!” in her face and assume she is selfish for wanting things to be ‘peachy’ or think she doesn’t understand me, or whatever. I can’t even fathom how I can say any of my conditions are a card to use to lash out at someone. If I’m having a bad day and I’m cranky, sure – my loving partner may end up hearing a bit of an attitude. But would I be mean to him for wanting to help me? No, that’s absurd.

I am sure those I think are guilty of this could easily read this and know exactly what I am talking about. And I am sick of it. I have so many bad days, bad weeks, bad months and bad years and never do I use them as an excuse to pick on people. It may seem that way now, but I’ll chalk it up as icing on the cake. It is something so petty that I can’t understand why it goes on.

I can’t help but think that people want to view us as usernames or avatars, but still find it completely acceptable to lash out at us like we are humans. It’s a huge contradiction. Mods are invited to say something and in some cases, requested to intervene and then lashed out at and ‘kicked out’. It is almost like some people enjoy this because they know we are expected more to watch our words and always be civil. We’ll fire me then, because it’s about time the tables turn.

I am sick of the same group of moderators being bullied by the same group of people. It isn’t just debates or differences of opinions. It is people blatantly baiting them in just so they have someone to toy with and it is sick. Maybe everyone didn’t have a Grandmother. Most people I know their Grandmother told them the golden rule, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” My Grandma said, “If you can’t say anything nice, keep your mouth shut.” Whatever the wording, it applies. The Guidelines and TOS have nothing to do with this, it is masked and subtle baiting and it’s gotten too old for me to sit back and let people attack others.

People who don’t openly say they are fragile, people who are having family problems, marriage problems, health problems, etc. Just because it isn’t laid out on the table doesn’t mean you have to treat them like they are made of stone or they are your personal punching bag. I am fed up with my friends being hurt when they have enough to deal with as it is.

Kimmy has been nit picked at for so long I lost track of time. No matter how subtle it is, as stated I am not stupid nor am I blind. Someone who tries their hardest to help out does not deserve to be treated in such a manner. It’s hard to believe someone is lashed out at for being nice. Like somehow being nice or wanting peace is bad? Guess what? Everyone hurts in their own way it is NOT nor will it EVER be a reason to treat someone in a manner that some users and staff members have been treated. I am very fortunate that I have not had to deal with this –yet- but it doesn’t go to say it does not have any impact on me, because it does, when I can tell others have been hurt by the actions of someone else who were behaving in such a selfish manner they have grown blind to all other people with other conditions and have it set in their mind only one physical or mental state truly can be validated.

This is a place where I would come to help people, and to get help. To discuss things and to share information. There are so many websites where it is welcomed for people to attack one another, it upsets me to see it here no matter how veiled it may be. There are so many small communities within this community it would be impossibly for everyone to agree. But it is very possible some people grow up and just use the Grandma Rule and not even say anything if you can’t say anything nice – or at least MATURE and RESPECTFUL.

There, now that I have that off of my chest I can maybe go back to recognizing people who use this forum for it’s intended purposes. A large number of us all over this website have been discriminated against. I, personally, have never decided that since someone discriminates against me that I should do the same to others. Never. Ever. Period.

If it is my job to watch people demand a raised level of treatment and try to justify discrimination against others, and belittling others - then this is not the job for me. You can flame me, or even get my post deleted. But this will be the day you can all remember the quiet one in the back finally cracked and stood up for her friends like she should have from day one.