I must admit that since my meeting with Goodwill last Wednesday that I had become a very broken person. Things were coming at me at all directions like with Doug's roommate crapping all over Doug and even the nurses crapping all over Doug. I tried to make it all up to Doug and that was breaking me also. First came the desires to get drunk and I didn't. Then came the desires to smoke and I did not. I had not used one single thing to ease my frustrations or aleviate the stress. The only reason I would not drink or smoke because I knew that would not help. I went to church today and the preacher talked about Jesus fixing us when we are broken like someone would glue back pottery that a piece had broken off of. I went to the ladies room at church and bawled like a baby and asked Jesus to fix me. I went back to the church service and listened attentively. When I left my church I felt so much better, like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Then I see Doug and the awful way his step-son treats him, even Doug's nurses treat him like a Dog. I have sacraficed my whole summer for Doug. I have done without things for Doug. When Doug passes, I won't have one soul in 3-D to pick me up or comfort me. I am just not strong enough to go on sacraficing for Doug when he could go to a nursing home and I could work on putting me 1st. I wrote Doug a letter telling him I was going to stop being his care giver and put it on his bed side table as he was sleeping when I was there. It was a long letter and I know it's going to hurt him in more ways than one. It's going to hurt me longer but not as bad if I don't look out for my sanity.

befuddled2