Tracy,

I'm not sure 'brave' is the right word. I got the idea to try it from another TN'er, Nik-Key. When you've had TN as long as I have, you've just gone through a lot of things. You experiment. You get frustrated with the answers provided, and, instead, do what you think is best for you. You also find you can tolerate things that were once intolerable. Brave? I'm scared to death of starting those drugs again. Remember, I was so pumped up with that stuff my blood was practically boiling ... and I was still spiking. Nor am I about to let some cocky surgeon scrape around inside my head! At least not until it gets so bad I can't stand it.

Nope, not brave. Stubborn maybe. Fussy, definitely. I don't like being on drugs. I don't like getting spiked either or forced to live like I'm a ticking bomb, but, at least, I have my brain back.

The other thing that makes it easier for me to do this is knowing you folks. Some of you have it worse than me or have additional problems that make mine seem smaller. You, Tracy, get the pains on both sides. I can only imagine how much worse that is. At least I have one side that hasn't betray me (knock wood). Some have botched surgeries and neuropathies that make TN seem a picnic. Nancy has had this longer than the rest, and she has additional pains we can only look forward to. Little Rae has had this since she was a baby, a time when pain should be associated with scraping a knee or too much sun. No, I count my blessings, and that also makes it easier to do this.

I put up with 17-years with this in isolation. In isolation, you drift, accepting your lot without question. For awhile, that's okay and you feel like you at least have the beast under control. Control? A little spacey is under control? Worrying it will get out is under control? Telling yourself you can handle it alone when you don't want to is control? Letting some doctor push you to new lows of drug stupor is control? More like crumpled paper pushed around by every gust of wind. Regardless, you don't complain, don't fuss, don't question because that would be ungrateful. We are alone with this because it isn't visible, but also because we make ourselves invisible. To the rest of the world we look okay because "we've got it under control". Doing the drugs was partly for me and partly for others; to oblige them by keeping it 'under control' so they wouldn't have to suffer my suffering. Well, if I can stand it, I guess they can too.

Bob S

PS, sorry if I'm a little cranky today. Guess it's getting to me a little. The last two days the TN's been pretty active. And now I have to go see my allergist and blow real hard into a tube. Bet you can guess how that will feel.