So I went to my T appt today and they didn't have any record of my appt. I was like OMG no way! But she saw me for ten minutes anyway and wrote out new rx's for me, she rx'd tramadol for sleep help because we upped the paxil to 25 mgs now and I am off the elavil.

Things with Jackie are only a little better, we're going to see his pdoc the 16th and I am just so anxious about life in general. I wish things were better, we have another inspection coming up soon, probably next week some time and I am just so anxious about it, I just can't write.

I did try to start the new book, but it's not coming along like it used to for me. I am scared I won't be able to write anymore. The good news is that there is a new writing contest and I entered it, it's by Amazon.com so I have hope that it will be done more fairly then the last one I entered.

But I won't know until November 12th if my entry is acceptable and that is a big bummer, I really hope that I place in this one, the grand prize is 25 grand. But it's not about the money, it's about the getting published, which I really hope happens soon. If I give up on this dream of seeing my writing published what will I have anymore?

I keep getting rejections from agents so I did it, I submitted the new book to a publisher, this is a different book then I entered into the contest, but still its a awesome book I think. But am I just deluding myself thinking I have any talent? I don't know. But I can't give up just yet, I've only been at it for a few years yet trying to find an agent, so who knows? Maybe that publisher I sent off to will LIKE the new book and want to buy it from me.

If I don't write I don't know what I will do with myself. I am so down, it started with what happened with my appt being so chopped and worked out like it did. I just feel so OFF kilter right now. I hope the increase in the paxil does the trick, the anxiety over the inspections and the contest are just too much.

Thanks for listening everyone, I just needed to vent. I really hope the paxil helps some more soon, I don't feel like crying so much anymore, but I feel like I just can't get the anxiety under control. And I am having some self doubt over my ability as a writer these days, I just feel like no one out there is willing to give me a chance. But I won't give up on my dream yet. Not yet.