Oh Mari, I am so sorry that this happened, but like it has been said determined people will not let anything get in the way of their intentional actions to S. Please don't be hard on yourself over this, you aren't at fault in any way, that is the big thing with S it makes people around the person question what they could have done differently and I don't think that's fair to anyone. You have to watch out for yourself, you could not have done anything to help this fellow, he is the one with the problems that he can't handle. Don't take on the emotional guilt trip that S can push on people, okay? I'm sorry you're in pain right now, I know how the anxiety feels, see if you can take something for it. That's all I can do to control mine, is Lorazepam.