by Lois Two Bears

Suicide - never, ever in a million years did I think I would have to deal with this. December 18, 2001, is a day that will stay in my mind forever. That's the day my youngest son, Brad, died by suicide. His Dakota Indiana name was "Hekaka Mani" meaning Walking Elk. Brad Leigh Two Bears was born Sept. 20, 1985. He had just turned 16 years old a couple of months before his death. He had everything going for him. He was not into alcohol or drugs. He was not a troublemaker. In fact, he was just the opposite. He was very artistic, very intelligent and a handsome young man. He also participated in our Native American Culture -the Pow-wow- as a Grass Dancer.

But his heart was broken. Anne was only 14 years old and she was Brad's very first girlfriend. She died by suicide on Nov. 24, 2001. Her death turned Brad's world upside down. We thought we did everything we could to help him heal emotionally, but he was determined to keep his "promise" to Anne.

It's been three and 1/2 years since he died and my journey has taken many turns, some good and some bad. I have met people who lost a loved one to suicide and I feel very comfortable with them. No one really knows how suicide impacts your life unless they themselves have lost a loved one to suicide. I have read a lot of books relating to suicide and I realized that I was searching for an answer to the question "Why?"

Now I know there is no answer. In the first few months after Brad's death, I wanted to know if he was ok. It's something that I really can't explain. My baby was no longer here on earth and I knew his body was buried, but I still needed to know if he was ok. I journaled my thoughts, feelings and questions until one day I knew he was ok.

We are Native Americans and are enrolled members of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe located in North and South Dakota. We have ceremonies, traditions and beliefs we rely on to help us get through difficult times and to celebrate happy occasions. I am not able to give specific details of our ceremonies because they are sacred. I can tell you that we believe in "Tunkasila" (the Creator-God).

We are not immune from suicide. I have experienced the shame, stigma and blame associated with self-inflicted death. I have heard Native American preachers and Traditional Healers (Medicine Men) speak publicly about their own personal thoughts on suicide. They all seem to think that a person who dies by suicide does not go to Heaven and that their spirit wanders this earth aimlessly, lost and not at peace because they have committed a sin. I became very angry when I heard these comments because as a mother, no one is going to tell me my son's spirit is lost. I asked myself, "How do they know this? Have they been there to tell everyone what happens to one's spirit?"

One of the beliefs that exists in our Native American culture is you are not supposed to talk about the loved one who has died or even say their name. I don't understand this belief. I intent to research this because I disagree with it. For me, talking about my son and saying his name is healing.

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SOS of Dan County Newsletter Oct 07 issue.