Being that my first symptom was 4-5 years ago, and that my dx was in May 04, the reality of pd has been coming in doses..As I sit here tonight and write this I have over the past few months realized, and it is more and more obvious than ever..That I am basically screwed to put it bluntly..Maybe that theres been way too many changes in my life in such a short time?..I dont know?..But usually most of the changes..not all..include a loss of some sort..Ive realized that Ive spent the past two years since my dx trying to figure out if Im on foot or on horseback..or whether or not I should be doing either?..Its like the "future" is something..............Yeah!..What is it?...Its like a word doesnt fit in my vocabulary anymore..Its easier now to look back than it is to look ahead..Its been easier to live in the moment than it has ever been before..I have this new kind of loneliness sometimes, unlike any Ive ever experienced before..Its not a people loneliness, because I have plenty of friends..some of the best ones Ive ever had as a matter of fact..and many of them happen to be you people..Its a, I miss the part of me thats gone forever kind of loneliness..Its like you get up in the morning and think..well..Id like to do this n' that today..but first I have to check with the board of directors..and Mr Parkinsons is the Chairman of the Board..and he has the final word..end of story

This was how my day went today..

I got up at about 7:30..ate breakfast..got online for a while..Headed down the boatyard..Stopped at Bristol Marine on the way down to inquire about dockspace for my small boat..Sorry..We wont have any available for the winter season..Trannslation:..No Commercial Fisherman Allowed!!..Theres a two lane bridge on the way down thats always got construction going on..so I wait in traffic..Get to the boat..put a charger on one of the batteries..Start the engine up and let it run for 15 minutes..Head home..Get stuck in the bridge traffic again..Get back home..Leave a message for my lawyer concerning my moms estate..He doesnt call back..Check my messages because theres a guy interested in buying the boat..Then the phone rings..Its the boatyard.."Were you on your boat this morning?"..."Yes".."Did you do anything unusual down here today".."No..Why?".."Theres an oil slick in the marina".."Well I didnt pump anything overboard so..Do you want me to come down there?"..."Well I'll go take another look and I'll call you back".."Ok bye"..Half an hour later the phone rings again..Its the boatyard again, and he tells me that the oil slick came from my boat and "so and so" ..(one of my #$%!#$%#@ brother fishermen) ..agrees with me that it came from your boat.."Best you take care of it before somebody makes an issue out of it"...Now I know damned well it didnt come from my boat but to keep the peace I simply said.."I will take care of it"..Its now around 11:00 am..Head back down the boatyard..Get stuck in the bridge traffic again..Get to the boat..Look in the bilge..pour a gallon of bleach in it to whiten up the bilge water..Low and behold theres about a shot glass full of oil in the bildge..And thats it..So now I know the oil slick didnt come from me..Another guy interested in the boat shows up while Im there..He wants the boat..but no gots the money..Head back home..Get stuck in the bridge traffic..AGAIN!!..Get home theres a message from the other guy who interested in the boat whos got more money than brains..I call him, and offers me half of what it Im asking for the boat..never mind what its worth..I tell him to forget it and hang up the phone..As I walk away from the phone I get this insane thought to call this bozo back and tell him hes got a deal, because I cant take the stress, the cost, the worry and the anxiety and the burden of owning this 47' floating lumberyard anymore, because of pd..I get home and my former first mate calls me..Hes the guy who worked for me last year and had to fire him because he had a drug problem..Recently we put our differences behind us and buried the hatchet..He wants to come down and talk to me.. so I tell him to come down even though the fatigue now has the best of me..He shows up and finally tells me he had a sledding accident with his new brides kids last winter..broke his collar bone..The Dr gave him a prescription for Vicodin..AGAIN..and hes abusing them..AGAIN..and his wife knows about it..AGAIN..and what do I do now?.."Can you hold the pills for me so I wont take more than Im supposed to".. ..(Lord..Why me Lord?..Im trying real hard down here ya know!!)..By this time my voice is begining to get weak and softer because its 4:00 in the afternoon and I have to lay down now before I fall down..All the thoughts of the days events are rolling around in my head like a pinball machine while I listen to this Bull@%$&..Here a guy who fell in the sewer a couple of years ago and came out wearing a new suit, and is self sabbotaging and undermining his own life..and here I sit, having risen above the demons that are possessing this poor guy..tired, exhausted, weak, fatigued from pd, my life is falling apart again for the second time in my life, but not of my own accord this time..And this man looks to me as a source of strength.. ..I havent felt very strong lately..I finally got home and took a nap..depressed from the days events beyond my control..I sleep for a couple of hours and wake up with a wicked emotional hangover..Best I get in the shower and get my butt to the 7:30 AA meeting and try to get a reprieve from all of the days nasty events..I actually felt like crying by the time I got there tonight, and hoped that no one would ask me to talk because I dont think I would have been able to hold back the emotion..So I sat sipped my coffee and listened..and I heard what I needed to hear and felt a little better when I left..and the old AA cliches were ringing in my ears on the way home.."Easy Does It".."This too Shall Pass"..But for the Grace of God".."We are granted a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual condition"

Life as I know it has forever changed..I feel like Ive been in that "Life comes at you fast" commercial for too long..The cooler air is here giving natures hint of autumn, and makes my legs feel stiff..Im begining to lose some coordination in my left hand now..my right is about useless..I am starting to feel a bit of that parkie out of sorts, out of control thing going on, that the summer months usually give me a reprieve from..And the worse thing is Im starting to feel a hint of losing emotional strength because of the numerous changes Ive been through..Too much..too fast..too many irons in the fire..too many lose ends to tie up..Not enough time, strength, and patience to deal with it all right now

And did I forget to mention that nobody understands..some dont care..and others will kick ya to the curb?..The only ones who understand what its like to live a day in our lives..is us parkes..

Steve