thank you for listening to me.

I have been feeling so low for quite a while now. Usually i have a break at some point but this has been going on for so long and the thoughts running through my mind are too much too take for such a length.

I have tried to ask for help, my doctor hardly listened until i asked for someone to speak on my behalf which made me feel like i was even more invisible!!

I talked to the my uni counsellor a week ago, i told her in two weeks thing would be getting a lot worse because i could not see life beyond that point. I told her i was going to buy a knife and i was in the process of searching for the perfect one that would do the most damage. I told her. All she did was ask me to join a low mood group. I screamed internally. again.

But i dutifully met that coordinator of that group today. She said i was abrupt and wondered if i would fit in the group because i may upset people.
That made me feel like slicing myself into pieces right there and then. It has confirmed my fear that i am nothing. I am a danger to others. I am evil. I don't fit into their little world of groups that could make me better. I am seperate - i am someone that appears angry and abrupt but i just want to cry - i just want to cry. I just want to cry. I want someone to see i'm in pain. Please.

She asked how low i was on a scale of 0 - 10, i said 1, she wondered at how i could be so low when i obviously was able to move. Yes, i can move - i have the energy to do a lot more - especially if it involves self-destruction.....I was going to say 0 but if i said that i would have been pretty much dead so i think 1 is more accurate.

I trusted my counsellor. I need someone to take me seriously. Is it wrong to want help? See, there it is - my will to live! But...it is fading rapidly. I have absolutely no idea where to turn or if i can. No one believes me. I seriously think i'm invisible. Maybe i am not meant to be saved. Maybe this is the way it should be.

I cannot do this for another second.
Will people know how hard i have tried. How often i have asked for help?
Should i really be expected to continue?




I am going to go find that tree. I am going to sit under it and attempt to feel real. Nature is more understanding than people.
I have a favorite bench in the park...it is nice and secluded. I have often thought about that spot...