I know I can't not sleep Alffe but I can't sleep with this VNS because I feel like I'm choking and I'm afraid to fall asleep. They were supposed to deliver my CPAP machine last week and I wasn't here and they didn't leave it even though I signed the release online. They finally delivered it yesterday but shipped the wrong mask. I've tried taking Benadryl but all it did was make my headaches worse. My pdoc only says give it time, it's too soon. We had a very bad session Monday because she told me that it was all in my head that people were staring and talking about me. It's not, I hear it, I see it. But maybe they're right in laughing. Today one of the partners asked me to prepare a Statement of Cash Flows for a company and I just stood there with a blank look on my face. For the life of me I couldn't remember what it was let alone how to prepare one. My memory is so bad and the simplest things I took for granted I can't remember anymore. That's why I have headaches all the time, trying to remember things. So I heard the giggles and hushed tones and yes they were real, I wasn't hearing things like before.

I worked until 12 today and didn't have my appointment until 2. I walked and walked in the rain until it was time to go. My pdoc took one look at me and thought I got caught in a downpour. I told her no, I feel dirty and I have to get it off. Why do I feel dirty? I don't know but I feel like I've done something very wrong and this is what I deserve. So round and round we went once again about grief, guilt and shame. There' just no answer and I can't undo the past. I couldn't read Mark's mind and know that something was wrong. My parents grieved, both died of heart attacks and it was my fault because I didn't know. I told her today that I'd rather be on antidepressants and manic than like this. Of course her answer was no, give it time, keep talking. She hugged me and said it will be okay BJ, I promise.

I'm chilled to the bone and I'm going to take a nice hot shower, have a cup of tea and hopefully I will sleep before I have to be ridiculed again tomorrow then go talk some more. Talking is so tiring. No I haven't heard from Ada Alffe because her computer is in the shop. Ada if you see this I'm wishing you all the best tomorrow for your surgery.