As always, you have found books that can pin-point what I am feeling and living. Alffe, yes, it was Tear Soup that you sent me, and I thank you again for you kindness and compassion. I know and understand that there are so many souls who you have taken into you heart that there is no way that you can remember us all, so let me do a quick Reader’s Digest version for you and everyone else who is reading.

My mom committed suicide when I was 21 after years of “mental hospitals” and prior attempts. I used to often wonder what my life would have been like if she had lived…through the birth of my child (she could have helped me when I got divorced a few years later), so many things. I am also the one with the troubled son and who was raising her two grandkids for awhile (as was Michael). After being divorced for 20 years, I finally found a guy who could rock my world and who didn’t care if I was six years older. As far as Michael’s death, he had a massive heart attack while I slept next to him. I still wake up every morning between 2:30 and 3:15 with my heart pounding as I jump awake. He was best friend, soul mate…I can remember 5 nights that we spent apart (I was in the hospital after surgery) in 9 years. We were together 24/7 as we worked together also, we were inseparable. He was the one person who showed me what unconditional love was.

Now back to your post….I know I am depressed, but it’s really easy to convince myself that I would be bothering somebody or some such crap. The real problem is no insurance and the cost of the medical bills, if I get past that hurdle the ongoing cost of meds as I am also a chronic pain patient due to my screwed up neck, as well as my high blood pressure. No I haven’t been to my doctor in over a year now and not on any meds. Plus me worrying about my animals (dog and cat) if somebody decided to “extend my stay” at a clinic or hospital. Then the huge brick around my neck of the mobile home I am living in. Yes, it’s paid off, but it looks (feels) like is it splitting in half at the “marriage seam”. I would just love to get the hell out of here, but there is so much *stuff* to go through to get rid of, sell or something it just overwhelms me. Besides, where would I go…I’m broke and no options other than being homeless soon. None of this is what I saw as my future years ago, or even 3 years ago.

The list of things that are falling apart, or need something is depressing in itself. Add to that the other, well it's enough to make you want to throw your hands up and sigh. The nights are easier for me…bill collectors don’t call at night, neighbours don’t knock on the door at night, just easier for me to hide away. Thank you again, your kind words do help and it’s good to know that my words were being read because not all is say was heard. ~

Xie