I can't go on like this with no sleep and wandering mind. I can't say that my time "there" was wasted because I know what's wrong, what's eating at me but I can't fix it. It was such a happy night with Mark's graduation, I never knew, never had a clue. I just feel so guilty that I should have known something was wrong. My dad seemed to turn his back on me after it happened. We never had the relationship that we once had after it happened. My mom was always my mom and never brought it up again, she couldn't even talk about it. I've taken 3 showers tonight trying to make make all the guilt go away but it won't.

I'm talking to the partners today and asking if they could have a little consideration and give me assignments in private instead of blurting it out in front of everyone else. I have a recorder on my phone and I could just push the button and record it, or write it down if they give me time.

I can't remember much of my past life and I'm having a hard time remembering new things. But I can't think of any thing that was wrong that night. But I can't get that into this swiss cheese brain of mine. I'm supposed to go to grief counseling this afternoon but I told my pdoc I'd rather talk to her instead of going there until I can grieve.