You are worth it Xie ....you sound worn out with grief and longing.
I'm glad that you won't put your loved ones thru a suicide...it's an awful legacy to leave...but I surely can appreciate the lure when your days are all the same. I could tell you that it will get better but you won't believe me.

Just keep fighting it because that's what survivors do!

Can you pm me your address? I have a book I want you to read.
*grin