Jeff, you have certainly done incredibly well with all that has happened to you! And you seem to be so proactive in you recovery. You are amazing. everybody that posts on here seems to be amazing in what they have researched and achieved. By comparison I feel quite in adequate. I think that in NZ there is far less in the way of resources. Most of the specialists that I have seen have been government ones. We have a compulsery system that all employees and employers pay a levy to Accident Compensation Corporation as you can not sue for personal injury. The ACC manage your recovery - so naturally the quicker you recover the sooner they can stop paying you compensation which is 80% of your previous income. When their specialists decide you can work either full or part time that is it. So if I quit my 3 hour a day job I would not have any income what so ever. Gosh I didn't intened to waffle on about that - but may as well.

In the six months following my 2 little bumps - like the neurologist said - for such trivial blows my symptons were excessive - something to that effect. In such a little country all 4 million of us -there is not a lot of choice for specialist treatment. I have seen a neuro physchiatrist privately who did explain cumulative injury - and filled me with drugs as I was that desperate I would have tried anything. And I have been to Australia and had a QEEG which finally showed my evidence of physical brain injury as the MRI and the CT I had had showed nothing.

I wonder if the problems that I had after the accidents in 2001 made my situation worse, a neurologist that I had been seeing privately died of a heart attack (before she had time to do her report - but she had believed me and said that I had PCS), then my husband - who I had been married to for 22 years left me, the family home was sold, and my best friend died of cancer. All I could think is I have to go to work. I had the ACC specialists telling me that as I was scoring well in their assessments that I was ok - I was trying to tell them about headaches, tiredness and all the rest and getting no where. I kept thinking that I wasn't explaining myself very well and all the rest .... long story that I won't bore the world with. I was that tired that I literaly fell over and was ko'd again then had an episode of my BP going crazy. Was told later that it was exhaustion. However I now know if you have faith in yourself and belief in yourself you know that underneath everything you are not crazy nor are you a hypercondriac - spelling can't spell that word. That kept me looking for help and evidence that I was not crazy.

I guess I too have lost a lot. One really stupid thing that I did was with my share of the matrimonial funds I bought a cute little 3 year old house which was meant to have been maintenance free etc - well it was monolithic cladding - don't know if anybody would have heard of it over there, apparently it is some kind of shonky cladding system which develops leaks - guess what it did and then I had to mortgage it to reclad it - that is another story.

My current problem is that when I make allowances for my self I think that I am being lazy and it is hard to get your head around the fact that if you force yourself to continue with some thing it is having the reverse effect - which is so hard for me to deal with. I also keep wondering if I am a wimp.

Do I have a plan - well I have a dream that one day I will wake up and feel normal. I just seem to plod along depending on how I feel after work. I have been to the local brain injury assn - they meet when I am at work - and like I was saying if I don't work no income. Doing anything out of those hours is really hard. I have tried asking the Assn if there is anybody else "like me". the 2 peole that I have met seem to be worse.

Tomorrow I have the day off work and I am going to a PCS seminar - an all day one - I shall have my sleeps in the car in the car park. The person taking the seminar is Barry Willer a professor from Canada - he apparently is meant to be one of the best in the world. I shall let you all know and hope I don't sleep through the best bits.

Excuse my ramblings I am really tired and I think that this may have gone all over the place, Lucy (and my name is Lynlee)