My life has been filled with so much pain, begining at my conception.
It reads like a novel, one chapter of misadventures after next.
As soon as you turn the page...you're unbeleiving that one could have all this!

My husband and family got sick of hearing my crys,
Crying is so hard NOT to do when you're in pain AND raised in very disfunctional family loaded with ugly issues...sigh...
I've overwhelmed THEM and many others.
I'm learning...slowly...to change this...that most people just can't handle it.
And YOU must pick up your own peices, that life goes on.

One time a coworker shared her painful life story with me...
Her life had been shattered by the death of her baby thru SIDS.
Her greif paralized her, and the freinds and family she had left,
couldn't understand.
They recoiled and turned away from her.
This poor soul was suffering...But...
As if that wasn't enough for one,
a string of deaths began to happen within her close family members.
She really needed to talk, unload, share as we all do.

As she told me her story...I began to feel uneasy.
Was very hard for me to listen to such horror in one persons life.
Could something like this happen to me one day?
I'm always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".
Most "survivors" share same.
Is part of Post traumatic stress.

Her voice broke as she began telling how her sister was killed recently in a tragic traffic accident.
Months later both her parants died within weeks of eachother...
Their daughters death pushed them over the precipous they'd been clinging to...it was "just too much"for them.

She could hardly contain her greif as it consumed and ovewhelmed her.
Her 25 year marriage fell apart, her husband left and divorced her,
then moved to another state to start a new life.

You could always see the pain written all over her face...
But as she kept describing each painful event,
It felt like she was holding a jar of ammonia under my nose.
Was shocking, waking me...I'd have to shake my head.
I'll never forget the way I felt once I walked away.

I don't remember her name, and her face draws a total blank.
I couldn't tell you whether she was old, young, blonde, brunette, fat or skinny...nothing! Nada! Complete blank.
What I do remember of her was her countenance.
The broken "spirit" or "Karma" she carried about her.
Was of utter defete, totally broken, torn and shattered.

I'll never forget the way I felt while listening to her sad saga,
how it sent shivers down my spine.
This was 20+ years ago but that feeling still feels just as strong as way it felt then.
Of course I feel/felt terribly sorry for her. Who couldn't feel compasion for such story?

But to this day I think of how horrible her life was then.
How it scared and worried me, that life on planet earth would hand me the same....
As if by her telling me could be my same "fate" one day and her black cloud would hang over me when I walked away.
Is same way we watch breaking news storys...remember watching endless hours of the 911 horror story....or more recently, the fires that contunue to burn down in California.
Its a horrible story, but we continue to watch this AND the 6 o'clock news.
Is always bad news, rarely good news. Why do we all do this?
But is natural to have curiosity, but shake our heads, think glad its not us!

When I tell others my sad saga...I start to remember that little black cloud she poured out and covered me with and how it scared me, made me feel.

Cry and you cry alone...Laugh...and at my age you just wet your panties...then everyones laughing!
We were created beings meant to share lives, happy,
sad...its life here on planet earth where NOTHINGS ever fair!

But when ones life is so full of pain and suffering, it seems that good never happens.
Perhaps too focused on the pain to see outside self.
Pain and narsissism go hand in hand tightly gripped.
Loosen a little, they let go, run!

But a sunny disposition, happy go lucky attitude naturally gravitates others to want to join in....makes us feel good, you want to be with them.

I'm under the conviction that I need to look outside my own painful endless saga of sad stories and tragdies.
To stop opening jars of ammonia under noses!

Doctors or therapist or "freinds" can't fix my pain, only God can.
Why suck in everyone else?

But when you don't have family to count on, bounce things off of,
or lean on during hard times...
What does one do? Where/who do you turn to?
I'm almost desperate. pulling-tugging at "anyone" hoping they'd listen,
and care...maybe have the answers to fix things for me.

But then I realize is hard for them, especially here on medical forums.
I think of that poor woman's horrible life story, how it made me feel
Hearing her endless saga of "bad luck", worrying same could happen to me.

We each have our own stories...some even worse...like those with terminal illness and diseases...I wouldn't want their nightmares.
How do they handle all this?
How do they cope?
Are they?...
really?
Like the adage goes...
Never judge unless you've walked a mile in that persons shoes.
Story changes when the person is too poor to buy shoes.
Story changes again when the poor person see's the other has no feet.
The footless one sees another but has no sight as well.
and even worse yet, the person is crippled, blind... living alone on the streets in a war torn 3rd world country.
Life is all relative isn't it?!
I'm trying to count my blessings...sometimes is hard to do.
But I must do this...I must...or I'll be too consumed and I'll be on the same
path that poor sad woman traveled down.
Blessings, cheryl...aka CryTears