You have answered alot of my questions once again and for all you do i thank you so much. I know i ave to try and have a better more positive attitude and i sure will try, it's just that ever since i was 16 my life has been pure hell, except for my 4 wonderful children who i have raised all by myself and if i do say so i have done a very good job my oldet has a touch of autism and the doc said he will never talk work or leave home well he never shuts up works 2 jobs a day pays me rent so 2 out of 3 not bad my next son is just wonderful and so smart he does have depression and ocd with the possiblity of addh, but he is graduating college soon which he goes full time plus a job he likes== you see when i had my 1sy surgery he took over my job at 19 and gave me all the money to pay the bills etc. my 13 girl can be a hand full but she has heart and trys to help plus she loves school has a aplus average and is a great writer and last but not lest my 12yro she is a beuty inside and out though he can be a slob what teen isn't she is learning and she has been the one to take care of me when i was bed ridden god she must hate that cow belll hahah well i didn't mean to get off the subject i just wanted to show u my support group even though i would rather be anywhere else when i am sick they do try but they also fight so it's not a bed of roses as for my mom i have always been a second fiddle there, it was always my brother or sister, so know she will not take care of me, i don't understand it as i am the only one to take care of them though surgery's sickness everything and my siblings did nothing, well u cann't forse someone to love you and i except this. well anyway thanks for all the advice and of you think of anything else plese let me know== by they way do you know if all doc sedate you and do you think he would be willing to presc. something like valium ffrom now till then. i found an old one the other day and it did wonders even helped me sleep and for some reason helped my back pain abit which really surprised me as i don't get much relief from anything they have me on the fentanyl patch 25 and though itg did work wonders i think either i am too use to it or the pain is getting worse, i didn't want to ask for a higher dose as this doc is new to me and didn't want him to think i was a drug seeker. well take care and please write again it makes my day when some one writes to me deb