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In Remembrance
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,002
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In Remembrance
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,002
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I Hear Ya Girlies
Bicoastal - Yes, I am thankful that I can vent here cuz I've got nowhere else to turn. NOWHERE that has this level of understanding or acceptance.
Cyn - oh, boy, you're preaching to the choir, girl, do I recognize those situations!!!
HOW MANY times did I have to hear that I slept through my taxes last year, and that fiance had to talk to the tax guy? You'd think he wrote my taxes with a hammer, and chisel onto concrete...then licked it with gold!
The resentment, anger, depression, I think it built up to an ugly, dangerous level, but - he's gone again - there's your "poof" girl! POOF - fiance again! Mr. POOF disappearing act...although I did ask him to go if he was going to be so rude and mean all of the time...
These days I take the time when I am up to walking the dogs - to look at the blue sky, and say thanks God for such a pretty day today. Or, thank God that my home aid took the time to iron my sheets - something I'd never felt before... I TRY to be so grateful for a lower pain level, and I try to keep upbeat, to those around me, in my "real" life, cuz on the inside, I really feel like I posted. Pain is letting up a bit though...that helps the attitude immensely.
My home aid reminded me "words are powerful."
I had said, "I lost x - I am going crazy" She said, "watch out, words are powerful." I realized, she's right, I need to STOP PUTTING MYSELF DOWN. It's become a habit - again.
Cyn, when you say, "it gets to him that he (alone) HAS to do everything." Well, what would they do if they lived alone? Wouldn't they have to do everything then? That's what I don't get - really, except for doc appts., there aren't any additional tasks...just the ones that they'd have if we weren't there, which, I get, they want us to take care of them like before - but I mean, I would see fiance have to go to the grocery, and he'd get so mad beforehand, and procrastinate, etc., EVEN with a home aid he wasn't satisfied! So it really had nothing to do with the actual tasks - it was anger at the TOS and my disability.
Anyways, now I am alone (again) and since I'm basically bedridden, this will be a real trick to make a new life (again.)
Kids in OC. (Far. New empty nest syndrome.) Can't get to church or do crafts or do politic stuff or volunteer - all of those would be things I would have done in addition to my work, if starting a life over, prior to TOS. I can't do anything like that now, with the TOS being so active currently.
The house is so quiet now. I don't even have the energy / capacity to talk long on the phone (or often) as it really hurts my ears and my jaws ache at night if I've done so. My muscles are REALLY TIGHT right now. My home aid found about 5 knots on my right arm today - she tried to smooth them out. The muscles are just going WACKO.
But TOS has these ups and downs to a degree...so I just need an up time for a bit...
Hey, whatever happened to Merja, Cyndy? I haven't had any responses from her in so long - what about you? Anyone else?
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