((((((Linda)))))),

I know what that feels like I felt that for over 13 years after my brother committed suicide.

It's all still so new for you. The pain for you is still very strong. You're holding onto the anger for the hospital which isn't helping. I understand WHY, though.

Honey, you're hanging onto to EVERYTHING. That's why you're still hurting so much. You HAVE TO start letting go of some of the anger and letting go of the bad things.

Maybe it's time for you to move. I know what you mean about bad memories being tied to a location. My Mom died at my home in hospice care. I used to love that place. But, it wasn't the same afterward. Luckily, for me, it was a dump, so I wanted to move to a nicer place. There was, for me, an incentive to move.

I'm wondering if you're afraid that you'll lose David if you move. David is so much a part of your heart and your soul and even your breathing, you could live on Mars or on the Moon and the memories of your life with David would still be with you. Those memories will ALWAYS-ALWAYS be with you.

You HAVE TO let go of the anger, so you can feel the pain. Through the pain. Then to the dreams and the memories -- I still dream about my brother -- over 41 years later. The dreams are GOOD ONES too

Linda, do you ever READ the words that you write?? Of course, you can't breathe. Of course, the CPAP didn't work. You stopped breathing when David died.

You're in therapy. What are you talking about when you're there?? You don't need to tell me that -- tell yourself.

Draw a picture of your body on a piece of paper. Then draw all the places that you have pain or dysfunction. You're beating yourself to death for what happened to David.

IT *IS NOT YOUR FAULT* -- *WAS NOT YOUR FAULT*!!

I know you wanted David around you forever. He made your life worthwhile. That's an awful big burden to put on his shoulders. There were problems in your life before David. He gave you a sense of being needed and a sense of purpose. That's an awful lot of meaning to lose out of one life

I know what a beautiful, special person David was. I hate to think that because he came into your life for awhile that THIS is all you're left with. I don't believe that he ever wanted to wreak devastation on your life. I KNOW he didn't.

Linda, if this therapist isn't working for you, fire his @$$ and find someone that DOES work well with you. You need to talk out the anger about the hospital. Talk out the anger about your parents. Talk out the anger at David. When you get all the anger out and can start to REALLY-REALLY feel the pain and start working through the pain, you'll see that there's a life -- a decent life -- a good life -- even without David.

Linda, he's NEVER-EVER gonna be gone from this universe. He's part of your memory and part of mine (because I care about you). He's part of the energy that makes up the universe. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. The energy that was part of The Universe at its creation is still here. It's just in a different format -- just like David.

I love to think that my Mother's energy is part of the deer that used the salt licks near her grave.

I know my ex-husband's energy is in my Pumpkin cat 'cause the dang cat leaves all the doors open just like my husband did

Get yourself copies of "The Upanishads" and "The Bhagavad Gita" by Juan Mascaro http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw...22]from Amazon. Read about The Universe and eternity and life.

Linda, David would not want you in pain like this. He came into your life for a reason. I believe that reason was TO OPEN YOUR HEART. Please try to follow what his intentions for you were.

Bless you. Hugs and love.

Barb