Thanks Alison,

I really don't like the place I am in physio but I don't have a whole lot of choice because this is a WCB claim. They call the shots. My Case Manager is incredible and supportive but has discussed several things with my PTs and seems to think they do have enough experience with CRPS and I just need to trust them. I asked her why then, given my condition, is desensitization not even on the map? She thought that was a good question.

I really hate my PTs. I know they are just following the program they have been told to and are doing what they know but it just isn't working for me. Yet, it is just too early to say one way or the other. I am just waiting things out until I see the Neurologist and find out if I qualify for this other clinic. At least at the other clinic they have a whole team of specialists - pharmacy, physiotherapists, anasethiasts(can't spell - the person who does blocks), etc. Plus they have an area for those people who are in the trades and all the tools of the various trades so as to incorporate the use of tools and activities into your daily routine. I do have to admit that I am really nervous now about going back to work in my trade because stupid accidents, minor ones happen all the time and I am afraid if I get this into remission and go back to work it will come back and I won't be able to get rid of it again.

Of all things this is the one thing I did not want to hear that I had. No one does. I am just scared all the time because more pains just keep getting added to my list. I am confused as to weather they are real half the time or not because they come and go. Then I go and do something like put my hand/arm behind my head and then my arm starts to burn. I keep a journal of all the symptoms/pains/experiences because it is hard to remember pain when it is inconsistent or you have to move it or be doing something or it isn't the same all the time.

Getting back to my PTs. I have told them many times that certain exercises cause me pain in both my wrists and ankle or that lying on my back causes it to burn worse. They just tell me that I need to learn to get past that. That the only way to deal with CRPS is to do to it exactly what it doesn't want so it is going to be painful. This is what I am dealing with and just have to get through for now. Also I can't take my meds when I go because they make me soooo groggy and out of it. I have to drive about an hour to my PT place. They tell me that it is a bad idea not to be taking my gabapentin because I need to get that build up in my system. Sure. Okay. So what do I do? Allow myself to drive while under the influence, so to speak? They say they care but don't offer any real solutions. When I told her how much pain I was in on Wednesday, I mean it was REALLY OVER THE TOP BAD, nothing like I have EVER felt before. I was told, well when it is really bad you need to come in because we need to see so we can help you. I went in. I told the one how bad I was, boarderline tears, and she told me well you just need to try and do what you can to get through your exercises. I tried and I cried and I tried and I cried. There was no offer of support no real concern until I put on my things to leave, I was leaving early, and she said 'let's talk'. Okay, I was told that leaving early wasn't a good idea because I really need to do what I can to see these things through when it gets tough. I said you say you care I am in pain and throw around 'pain management' all the time but here I am in pain and told to tough it out. I don't see anyone offering to help me with it or through it, the day before I was in agony and I couldn't find a therapist around to help me nor a doctor! She said well they can't be around all the time and was very sorry about that - okay whatever. I am not up for apologies or excuses because it was my SECOND DAY and she should have known that the first week is the most difficult for people and that maybe sticking around to make sure they are okay would be the right thing to do. We are merely cogs in a wheel making our rounds through the system. She told me that she 'understands that I am upset and that the pain is not allowing me to be myself' (I can't believe I fell for this at the time. I think I just wanted to get away from there and go to the hospital.). That she wants to help me become the person I was before all of this.....on an on. I am cranky again. I don't want to talk about them anymore because I am trying to 'trust' them and the program they have set out for me. Not that I believe it nor really trust it. I am just waiting out my time until I see that Neurologist. I told them that if I didn't have pain and could get a boot on I would be back at work and not here, especially since they have nothing new to offer me in the way of this condition. URGH!

Going now......talk to you later. J