Nancy & Crystalina,

In my house, it wasn't Mommy who had to keep her composure, it was me. You say Mom isn't supposed to loose it. Well, I don't think my wife ever attended that class. She makes no bones about how miserable she is when sick, tired, hungry, or just plain upset; and looses her cool often. No matter how much pain I may be in or how sick, she always manages to have it worse and complains of having to carry the whole load (not true). She actually begrudged me getting sick, because she felt that put more on her (also, not true). It's not that she's a fake. She does do an awful lot. It's just she has no sense anyone but her cares or is giving their all to get things done.

Moms carry much of the burden in families, but it is not always the case and far too generalized. There are some women who, like mine, are no good at 'sucking it up'. There are men who are insensitive to what's going on around them, but not enough to justify the generalization that men are insensitive to women. I don't think either sex has a monopoly on sensitivity or participation. I know lots of dads who are family centered. They work hard days, then head straight home to lighten the load on mommy's shoulders. They don't stop off for a beer and chat with the guys, though they often stop off at the store to pick up a list of things mommy needs. Nor do they gripe about it, but look forward to being with their families. They help with getting the kids off in the morning, with chauffering, sit with the kids reading or watching TV, give baths, help with homework, and take their family to synogogue or church. After, the kids are bedded down, they're right there giving mom a back-rub or cleaning up while she puts up her feet.

In most families, there is a division of labor, with dad's doing most of the heavy lifting. In my house, not only did I do all of the heavy lifting, I also did many tasks that are normally associated with the wife (vacuuming, dishes, diaper changes, grocery shopping, getting the pizza, &c). I am not unique in this, because I see other dad's doing the same.

Moms are, indeed, the keystone of family. No question. However, our culture tends to put women on a pedestal and credit them with everything that is pure and unselfish in family. Dad's are given a little credit, but not much and, I'm sad to say, grudgingly. To a large extent this is our own fault because (and this will shock you) men are more self-effacing than women. We give you all the credit and are happy to do it. Women take the lead in defining roles, and we yield to them. We take pride in our wives and family, and tell anyone who will listen that none of it would be possible if not for mom. However, if single-parent families are any measure, dad makes a big and irreplaceable contribution.

Crystalina, I'm willing to bet your husband needed no coaching to realize mom needed a break. I'm also willing to bet he worries about you and Rae something awful. Be sure you tell him he's one of the unsung heroes who don't get nearly enough credit. Also, I am glad you came here to rant, because we do know exactly what you are going through and I know your husband would take it wrong and be hurt. I hope it helps.

Bob S