I 'tried' crutches once! All at the hospital as well as I felt that I would be safer with either a walker or cane[s].
Luckily I figured out that canes come in different heights...and have adjusted mine for that. A too high cane, or too low, makes you more miserable than you need to be. Hurts our backs, hands, wrists, elbows, feet you name it if it's not right.
A silly question during my last PT set of sessions I was able to learn that I needed about 1-1/2" of one cane, and it made such a difference! Plus a 'lesson' on how to walk properly with one or even two.
Joe, I gotta admit, I have had some dramatic falls [tho no one ever saw them?] but that series of events of yours has got to be in the top 10 of all time?

What should the 'prize' be? Maybe a faux-gold-plated cane of the perfect height? [Simply could not resist!]. Of course, we will have to find a 'sponsor' to donate the cane[s]. Sigh.

May we all toodle or toddle tenderly - j