gradually over the years, i have been wanting to do Christmas more, and this year i am caught between my own vices (out comes the baseball bat) upon which i am trying to use that baseball bat, as opposed to myself. But that's money. I have no income. I see my pdoc on... em... "credit" - his. i am trying to keep a hold of at least a couple hundred bucks for a trip to the US next spring. me me me me me. very Christmasy, altruistic thinking. i am trying to think of little things to give as gifts that - aren't candy, aren't home decorations (too many, aren't bla bla bla...) and anything else is expensive. Forget online ordering, shipping to Europe is prohibitive as well as unreliable. More baseball batting. Also i am afraid a bit to go shopping because of my flaky mood. i stopped at an african stand and nearly bought all the cat-wallets he had. i have one like it worn out; they're really cute - and functional. thank goodness i didn't even have half the money for even one at the time. excuse? ok more baseball batting...

here comes the rain again
falling on my head like a memory
tearing me apart like a new emotion

BJ, this is wonderful. It is bittersweet i know, like butterscotch candy. But what a great way to honor and remember your mom. I wish she were still there with you physically... spiritually she is, and from that, i hope you might find some healing in your sadness.

~ waves ~