Its 12.50am

And once again Im hitting the drink.

Why?

I started work today on training ...out of the Hostel for four hours.
I returned to a situation not of my [new] co-workers making.

One of the residents had two visitors in his room, knowing he is allowed one, but took advantage of the new worker.. To difuse any situation i said when they leave i would reiterate the rules.

My Co-worker then went around posting memos to all residents. He returned stating the chap with the visitors opened the door and his room reaked of Canabis.

I went to the room and insisted on entry, i firstly explained the visitor policy, then question the use of canabis on the project[ by now the window was open and i could not smell anything but all in the room appeared as high as a kite.

The resident of that room denied drug use in the room and sadly used his usual excuse of 'why are you picking on me'.

To difuse the situation i left the room stating i would talk to him tomorrow. And reminded him the visitors must leave at 9pm.

At the same time of this situation going on i had another resident walking around like a Volcano ready to errupt. it took 4hours to convince him to go to A+E[ER] and i had liased with a duty social worker to inform the hospital of his forthcoming attendance. He had aired he was on the verge of killing himself or anyone else who got in his face.
The hospital phoned and a Psyc..triage nurse asked me my opinion of his state of mind and risk or selfharm or other harm. of which i gave 9 months of my knowledge of this person and his recent 3 month spiral into a decline of latterl thinking.

she spoke also to this person. Who came over polite and rational, and refuted his threats of self harm. An arrangement was made to see him tomorrow but the triage nurse said he was not showing signs of mental illness and sounded rational.

By now it was 10pm And the resident with two visitors had not booked them out. Myself and the night worker went to his room , because at 9pm whilst i was dealing with resident [2] the other resident told the night worker his visitors had gone. I knew this to be untrue as i had seen nobody leave.

On knocking his door he said they had left. I asked for entry to check the room , he was unaccopanied , yet blatantly smoking a joint.[ again to difuse a confentation, i will deal with this tomorrow] I checked two other rooms . in The second room the resident plus an other resident stated no one was there, yet i found the two visitors in a cupboard.


I said leave now and they did, i told the two rewsidents i would talk to them tomorrow.


What is the point of this article you may be asking?

I truely want to give support to those who need support, and to those who abuse the system i want not to support.

I know the resident who allowed visitors in his room, openly smoke canabis and then allow them to go off to another residents room will be in serious trouble tomorrow. And will be Evicted imediately [ He is on his final-final-final that's how hard we have tried warning] I also know this individual will not leave peacefully and all hell will break loose, followed by continued intimidation and threats [as before] I know the other two residents involved may also be evicted...because of prior resident......and there involvement in concealing visitors


And while all this is going on one resident thinks his world has come to an end, but pride stands in his way to tell those that matter how he feels....I am bemused, angry, frustrated , sad, depressed, ...


I equally know that management support tomorrow will be minimal, and the 'Phone the police if it gets ugly' tune will be relayed.

I often wonder why i give a S....t...Because those in power to make descisions...obviously dont.


At home i have 15 year old son who i love dearly, but presently despise, because of his attitude and mannerism's to my wife, his MOTHER.

I have heard all the teeenage syndrome rubbish, and sadly it dose not wash. He has not been brought up that way to behave, yet seems non remoresefull when he reacts to whatever she says.
In the past i have reacted with force, and this backfires on me, as my wife then blames me for what i do as punishment. Iam lost bewildered and void of how to deal with him.

My inner feelings towards his current behaviour are of hatred [ strong words i know, but thats the Bi-Polar in me things are black and white in my world there is no GREY. This is because unlike the female speices[ and this is not a sexist statement] When my sons upset my wife they realy upset me because they are attacking my soul mate.

when i am under attack by the boys, my wife will always defend them... its nature. i Believe in the invisible umbilical cord. [still attached] men dont have this bond......


prime example... when mywife gave birth... i was there but saw neither delivery... as i was concentrating on my wife and her pain...it distressed me so much i'm sure i had post natal depression.....my now 15 year old was 6 months [ when i cut my wrist severly].


Im now rambling on .................I want to know what is expected of us as human beings.....yes i tried to end my life......and for 14 years i've tried to give back to society and support those in need [ call it pennance],...but i'm so tired of this draining feeling.....i would welcome any prayers........i used to believe in God [ i stil do, but dont go to church or express my religfous oppinions anymore] and in 1985 i was on the verge of becoming a Pentecostal Pastor........to this day i believe the power that be...had an other plan.....i just dont know what it is yet...I know many of you have a steady religious conviction, and this is something i will not,... or do not knock... but i really wonder at times ...my purpose in life and my role in this universe... I have tried in my 43 years to be kind, respectfull, understanding. yet i struggle in my every day... why?...

Im sorry to put this out but ned to write how i feel right now...I feel anxious, demoralised, and fretful...feelings i dispise in myself, and my biggest hang up is i HATE CONFRENTATION OF ANY KIND [ weak you might say or cowardly] but my worst fear is loosing control... Throughout my life my moods are internal, i never [intentionaly] want to hurt anyone. I feel though theses inner secretets and thoughts are un-healthy, yet i cant share them [until i found this site].

I TRUELY FEEL A FRAUD......i know i'm more fragile than most of the people i support......

David